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Monday, September 3, 2012

Ten Tips for Single women about to get married.

1. He knows it is bad for him. He doesn't need to hear it from you and he doesn't care. He will eat that crap anyway, and if you bug him enough, he will do it just despite you. And if you bug him enough, he will hide it, lie about it or go out and do it. You can't win this one, don't try.

2. He is keeping that stuff he got from his ex girlfriend, the one you hate and are still jealous of. That girlfriend he broke up with and decided that you were the better option than. He still wants to keep that stuff. So get over it. It is about the stuff, not her. That is a girl thing, not a guy thing.

3. He is only watching The Bachelor with you so you get all romantic and he gets some. If he says otherwise, he is lying. Or gay. Or both. And no matter what, you aren't getting a rose afterwards.

4. Yes, you have the boobs and the pussy, but you don't get to have 90 percent of the blanket on the bed because of it. It's in the marriage contract. Look it up. He cuddled you for the first 30 minutes, that should be enough to keep you warm. Now, you have to share.

5. When he says it's nothing, it's really nothing. Unless you ask him 10 times, then it is something. Be happy with nothing. It is a lot better than something is going to be.

6. S-P-A-C-E. There,  Now you can spell it.  Try giving it. Being in the next room and coming in to his every 20 minutes is not space. That Mars/Venus thing applies here.

7. He is well aware that his old T-shirts and his socks have holes in them. He is fine with that. He doesn't think there is any reason to throw them out. He has personal reasons for keeping them that you will never understand. When you get rid of the hundreds of shoes you never wear, then he will listen to your bullshit reasons. Not before. And even then, he is keeping his shit.

8. Don't bother faking it. He probably wouldn't notice either way. And you aren't Meryl Streep or Meg Ryan, so there is that as well.

9. If it is clean, he doesn't want you to wash it. He only washes things when they are very dirty. Even when they are very dirty, he doesn't want to wash them. The point of washing something is to make it clean. If it is still clean, don't wash it. If it is just a bit dirty, don't wash it. If it is very dirty, just wash it, but shut up about how dirty it is. Dirt is transient. He gets that. You should too.

10. That dress you are wearing and just bought for him-he doesn't care. Any outfit you wear is just as hot as the next, because all he cares about is how you look naked underneath it. Victoria's Secret has messed with your mind there. Complain to them about it. Not him.

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