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Friday, April 13, 2012

Friday Writing Sample

They thought I never knew. Mothers know. Wives know. We are perceptive. We feel our loved ones pain. It has been a while since I last had to deal with the hate. With the rage, with the violence. Nobody here knows that.  I left that all behind when I moved from Tulsa to Lafayette. I told them all parents died.  That wasn't the truth. They didn't die. I wanted them to die. I wanted to believe they were dead. To convince myself they were dead. I needed a fresh start. But, I never forgot.
Now, I see it again. And, I know it when I see it. It is in our blood,  I know that now.  I have killed, my parents killed, my son will kill. That is just how it is going to be. And I married a man who also kills. He thinks I can't see that, but I can.
He thinks I'm an angel.  I'm no angel. I could be just like them. In many ways, I am just like them.
I stopped, because I had to, not because I wanted to. I still feel like killing. But I have a higher calling now. Keeping my son out of trouble. If he is going to kill, he needs to learn how to do it right. Like I did. So he can get away with it. Not like my stupid father. He was just an ignorant drunk who killed a couple of guys in a bar fight,  because he was angry. What a fucking idiot!
I am not raising an idiot.
Previous sample updated

Being 14 isn't easy, at the best of times. You think you have things figured out, but you don't. Even at this age, I know that now. I do know this: I am me. And only because of me. The urge to kill was born within me. I may have seen some things along the way, but I kill because that desire is born within me. I have been raised in a loving and stable home. My parents are good people. They didn't raise me to be the animal I am. It's not their fault. Mostly because of that, I hope I they never find out.  That I don't get least until they die anyway.  I want them to always think that they did a good job and got a good result.
I've always had the urge to kill. I can't remember a time when I didn't. If I knew what it felt like to be peaceful I would tell you. But I don't. Killing is what I do. What I like. What feeds my hunger.
The kids in school don't get me. They never will. They are too young to know better, but even when they grow older, they will never understand what motivates me, drives be who I am. It is not within them to get that.
They get mad, they vent, they lash out. The anger is gone.
 I get mad, I don't vent. I kill. The anger remains. I only want to kill more. That won't ever go away.
I see things. I see kids being bullied. I see wrongs that need to be righted. I so want to take care of that. But now is not the time. The time will come. will come. There is a time and place for all things, and that time will come.
I will be careful that way. Yes, I need to kill. But I also need to keep killing and to make sure that no one finds out. I just have to be better than the others. I will be the serial killers killer. The one that they write about when I am long gone.
I keep notes. Lots of notes. Each kill is another story. They will study me. These other serial killers as just pure sick animals. I have a plan. I will execute that plan. That is why I will be around long after they are dead and buried somewhere that no one will ever find them. And in my case, long before anyone ever knows what they did. They are not me. I am the greatest serial killer that ever lived,  and I will prove that by eliminating the ones who aren't.
That is why I can justify it. The kills. Yes, I kill.  Yes,  I am sick.  But I also help society.  They just don't know it.  Not yet anyway. I kill the serial killers who take innocent lives. I kill serial killers so they can't do that anymore. Of course, I get that I kill them because I want to be the best, the one that endures. But at least I have purpose. They have no purpose. They are just animals that need to be slaughtered. I am better than them. Yes...I am better than them.
Yes, I am a killer,  just like them, but I am not like them. I am better than them. Yes,  better. Much better. Yes, I kill,  just like them,  because I need to kill. But ...I don't just kill  anybody. My kills are deserving kills. I do have purpose. At the end of my life,  they will  say I did good. They will champion me. They will say "he killed those that needed to be killed". They will build statues and monuments to me.

Previous sample updated

I have always known. How could I have not known. A father knows when there is something wrong with his child. He tried to hide it. He was good at it too. There wasn't much to find. His mother never suspected. Neither did his two sisters. How could they? They didn't know what the signs looked like. Of course, I did. Because I was just like him. I killed too. He never knew that either. Nobody..well..almost nobody knows what I did.
Of course, I wasn't as prolific as he is going to be.  I only killed 4 in my lifetime. They were deserving. Yes, just like the "victims" he will kill, they were deserving. Just the scum of society that needed to be killed. Who deserved what they got. And it didn't burn inside me like it does in him. I killed and then the urge would go away for a long time. It didn't pre occupy me.  Haunt me. Guide me. I killed and then let it go. It didn't burn in me like it burns in him.
Can I stop him? I don't know. Probably not. I won't ever find out, because I have no intention of trying. It isn't for me to stop my son from being who he was born to be. We have raised him well, and steered him away from violent behavior. But it is within him, just as it is within me. I stopped, because I don't have that strong urge he does. I just want to make sure his mother never finds out. It would destroy her to find out what we have made..what we have raised. She is so pure.  She is my rock, my center. She is most of the reason I am able to keep these urges from overtaking me and killing again.
She will never know what I did, and I hope she never finds out what he is doing and is going to do. I see it. He is determined to kill. Nobody is going to stop him. Anybody that tries is likely to be just another victim. I won't be one of those.

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