The new dope.

Last night I went to the grocery store. The experience I had is not the first time I've had it. Far from it. It was just more obvious than ever last night, because it was the majority of the experience, not just a part of it.

As I entered the store, I was delayed at the door. Why? Because a guy was checking his phone, and he stopped right in front of me to do it, like I wasn't even there. To him, I wasn't. He was very locked onto the phone, so anything around him didn't exist.

As I made my way down the first aisle, which is always the vegetable and fruits aisle in grocery stores here, it was difficult to move. So many people were walking around like zombies on The Walking Dead, gazing into the gadget that it was bumper cars, literally. That continued in every aisle of the store I went down.

My old strategy of shopping for groceries used to be to go down every aisle, one by one, so I get what I need. I value my time, and I don't want to have to go back for one item I missed because I didn't do that. But, my new strategy is to look at each aisle when I approach it, and if I see too many phone gazers, I skip that aisle and come back to it later. I don't make lists. I never have. I rely on my very good memory to achieve the goal of getting all I need.

Last night, I had to avoid many aisles, and I didn't go back to one of them, by chance. As it turns out, I missed one item I wanted to get.

For the phone addicted gazers, they have lost any value of time. They value some external validation interaction thing that has been created by the Steve Jobs and Zuck's of the world.

Its now at the point of epidemic. On the radio this week, I heard the Morning Drive DJ say that there are studies out there that say over the course of your lifetime you will spend 75k on just your smart phone, when you consider the fees, the cost of the phone, the constant upgrade and replacement and the increasing data charges. Also, another time last week, he mentioned a new study that over the course of your lifetime, when added together, the average person will spend 1/3 of their entire life on their cell phone either talking or surfing, interacting, whatever you call it now. Think about that, a third of your entire life on that one activity. And that is the average. Averaged in with people like me who spend almost zero time on a phone.

Back when I had a day job, smart phones were just coming into existence. They gave me one for work, because they wanted to be able to contact me at all times. It had all the features even then. They never left me alone, and like many, I started to use it in ways that bothered me. I was always checking the stock price of the stocks I had at the time, as I was trading a lot of stocks back then. I surfed way too much, and played all the games many play on those gadgets. When I quit that job, they took the phone back. I never replaced it.

There came a time when I was forced to get a cell phone again. I didn't want one, but we don't have a home phone anymore, so it was beneficial to at least have something. We went to the store to get something. I was insistent that I only wanted a basic cell phone. No internet connection, no apps, no bells, no whistles, no camera, no social media connection. They just kept trying to steer me to the smart phone and all its great features. They even told me it cost me the same to get the dumb phone as it did the smart phone.

And that is where they are dead wrong. In every way, the smart phone costs you much more than simply having a basic cell phone to make phone calls when you absolutely need to do that. It costs you a lot more money, it costs you valuable time in your life, it costs you your ability to think clearly, and most importantly, it removes you from the moment to be current in the life you lead. It costs many more things, but I listed enough already.

To me, its an epidemic, and its like being on dope. Once they hook you, you are almost helpless to get off it. It becomes part of your core and your body tells you that you need it and have to have it. Its that bad voice in your head that some addicts talk about hearing when they cant stop, even when they have some will to stop.

Its the worst addiction of our society, mostly because there are so many addicts. As a percentage, there are very few drug addicts, alcohol addicts, gambling addicts or sex or porn addicts. But, in terms of smart phone, social media addicts, I'd say its the majority rather than the minority. And the next generation wont even be able to distinguish between the current world we now deal with, and the one where you seek some level of peace and contentment from not always being connected or interacting.

I know a blog like this makes me sound like Mr. Hand from Fast Times At Ridgemount High. I'm aware of that. And like Mr. Hand, that is because I was around and aware of what it was like to not be consumed by a gadget to the point you were lost in the fog. Smart phones are the new dope.

Keeping the faith

Trying to get used to not having something to lean on is not an easy thing. When you are used to something, and it's in your routine, it's foreign when you have to exist and move on without it, even if you know its the best thing in the long run.
So, sure, it was tough today. It's one thing to say something is distracting you and you had to detach or remove it to regain your focus, but its another thing to then actually get to work and not have it there. Today was day 1 with no excuses. No Facebook to blame for my poor performance.The truth is that I am the one to blame for my poor performance, and I am the one to take action to fix it. Facebook was just the roadblock I had to remove. It will still be up to me to make it work.
I suppose every day will just get easier as it goes along. I felt I was productive and somewhat potent today. So, that's a good thing. At least I felt my head was in the game. I didn't make any bad decisions today, and I attribute that to having a focused and clear head. The extreme fatigue I have been feeling lately also went away, and even though I was up early, I never felt like I needed to go take a nap to make it through the day. This will be the first day in probably a week I can say that. I expect to build on that each day.

 It's a start. There is a long road ahead to regain my level, the level I am capable of, and that I need to have to succeed. I guess its just like going to the gym. If you stop going for long enough you have to just get back at it and struggle a bit at the start, until you get the hang of it again. 
Now I have to figure out how to get back in the zone. The zone where you can just look at a race, go over it, and zone right in on the winner. Its something you take for granted when you are in it, but once you fall out of it, you know the value of being blessed to have that.
I have faith in myself, my skills and my work ethic. So, I trust to just stick with it. 
Having faith that it will work out has carried me my entire life, and through some very dark and disturbing days and times. This is no different. Back to the music posts in the blogs, but just one here to close it out. I derive so much from music and poignant lyrics that that will have to be a blog just for that to explain what that gives me. Another day.

 You can linger too long
In your dreams
Say goodbye to the
Oldies but goodies
'Cause the good ole days weren't
Always good
And tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems

 I told you my reasons
For the whole revival
Now I'm going outside to have
An ice cold beer in the shade
Oh, I'm going to listen to my 45's
Ain't it wonderful to be alive
When the rock 'n' roll plays, yeah
When the memory stays, yeah
I'm keeping the faith

I will remember you....for....

I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

 Sarah McLachlan is a famous and talented singer. That is how she will likely be remembered when she is no longer around. Some might also remember her for starting Lilith Fair, and how that empowered some female artists in the ways it did.

I just love her music, and I will always remember her for one specific song, which haunted me the first time I heard it, and still does. I remember I was working at a dispatcher gig at the time, which was how I made money back in the day, and You Tube had just started to exist. It was a slow night and things were going well. Dispatchers have a hectic job, but when things go well it can be boring because you have so much time on your hands. This was one of those nights when nobody screwed up or asked me to make something happen that seemed impossible to make happen.

So, I just listened and played this song, over and over again, because it haunted me with the melody, the sentiment and the lyrics. The video is also unique, and generally I'm not one who even looks at the video when I listen to the songs. Anyway, here it is, and its the thing that I think of first whenever I think of Sarah McLachlan , and its what I always will think of first.

Cause I can't be the one 

you wanted me to be

.......

A made up story, to fit a picture perfect world

 Yesterday came word that two people died. I admit I'd never heard of either of them. So, whatever was said in the headline is likely what I now know and remember. Here is what I now know about Mark Salling and Jay Switzer.

Mark Salling was 35, an actor on Glee, and he liked child porn, to the point he had a bad addiction and the police had to raid his house. He then was convicted and was about to do jail time, but he committed suicide for whatever reason that we might never find out or understand. Ten years from now, if someone mentions his name, what I will remember is he was on Glee and he liked child porn. That is what defines his life to the masses. I'm sure there was lots more to him, as there is for everyone.

Jay Switzer was 61 and died of brain cancer. While many wont remember that part, I will. My mother was young like Jay Switzer, in that she was 66. She also got brain cancer and while she lasted longer and lingered for a while, it took both her and Switzer fairly quickly, as brain cancer is prone to do. Seemingly, Jay Switzer never did anything bad in his life, not bad enough to make his obit, although we all do bad things at some point in our lives. So, what I know about him is that he was 61, a media icon who helped turn City TV into the conglomerate it now is by expanding the CHUM brand. He was well loved and liked and a good family man. That is what I know, and how he will be remembered.

As I said in a roundabout way, I wont really remember Mark Salling much. I don't watch Glee, never have and never will. He had no effect on my life and while it is sad he died young and had the issues he did, there are lots of pedophiles out there, and he is just one among many. He was not significant to me.

Jay Switzer did have some effect on my life, even though I didn't know his name until yesterday. But because he died of brain cancer, and young at that, whenever I see him referred to, I will think of my mother. Others who don't have that connection wont. He will be the guy that ran the City TV empire and never did anything wrong enough to speak about on the day of his death.

When I write blogs like these, I start out with a premise, but while I am in the middle of writing them, memories pop up I didn't expect to pop up and change the direction of the blog. It happens to me as fast as you can read the words I write.

As I was writing this one, Tiger Woods name came to my mind. Why? Well, he is the textbook example of the thing I am getting at in this blog. Tiger Woods will die one day, as we all do, and on that day, he will be remembered as the first really prominent black golfer, possibly the greatest golfer ever period, and also as a guy with a sex addiction. The thing he was most famous for and the worst thing he did that we know about.

While I certainly will remember those things, I have two different memories of Tiger Woods, both that popped back into my head as I wrote this blog. The first is of a Tiger Woods, still fairly young, but definitely at the top of his game, playing Glen Abbey, which is where they held the Canadian Open tournament for many years in Oakville. I had been a few times before I saw him that year, as I grew up a big golf fan and player. But, this time, we were going to see Tiger Woods. My wife wanted to see Tiger Woods. When we got to the hole he was playing, we actually got a very close up green side position. He finished the hole and moved right towards us. Like Arnold Palmer, Tiger Woods had a set of fans that followed him from hole to hole, like he was the leader of a country or a Royal Prince or Princess. It was tough to get near him with that mass of people around. As he passed us, my wife was in some sort of trance. "Oh my god, its Tiger Woods, he's so good looking." She started to cry. I still tease her about that every time he is mentioned for some reason. At that point, he had a god-like image.

 

  

A few years later, it was the day my mother got even more sick. The brain cancer had finally been diagnosed, and some of us were waiting in a small waiting room with a TV. As I sat there, it was the day Tiger Woods image began to shatter in front of the world. The day he drove his car into a tree, and some of the details of his not so picture perfect life were starting to come out. I connect that moment with my mothers illness. For me, when I think of Tiger Woods, I already think of his insane fame and his sharp fall because of his demons.

 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqwDF5La_gQ

 

Also yesterday, it came out that Diane Keaton is supporting Woody Allen, who at this stage is pretty hard to support. The fall from comic genius grace to whatever you think of Woody Allen now has been an ugly one. Keaton is a long time friend, former lover and frequent star with Allen in some of his biggest movies, including the one I will post a clip from shortly, which is my favorite of his.

Allen cheated on his wife Mia Farrow, and that doesn't distinguish him from millions of men and women who have done that in their life. But he did it with her 19 year old daughter in their own house right under her nose. That certainly separates him from the pack. He admits to all of that and never denied it. But, while that tarnished him in many eyes, that is not the nail that sealed his fame coffin for good. Farrow has also accused him of molesting their then 7 year old daughter Dylan at the time they were breaking up. There is debate as to whether that actually happened, and Dylan claims it did, while the vast majority say Farrow coached and brainwashed her into thinking it did. Nobody knows for sure, or probably ever will know the truth. But the truth doesn't matter in the context of his legacy. Allen talks about all that back in 1992 on 60 Minutes, and near the end, how he is now thought of. That is part of the idea that led me to write this blog.

 

Woody Allen is an old and frail man at this stage in 2018. He will surely die in the next few years.

When that day comes, he will be remembered as a comic genius who created many great films, and also as the man who cheated on his wife with her daughter and might have been a child molester.

I will remember him as a comic genius and the guy who taught me in a roundabout way how to be funny without making obvious loud jokes like Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman do, although I loved both of those guys in their own way also. This scene, the undertone of how it is written and played, is what I am getting at. You have to watch it to see how the punchline was setup. It is the comic genius that is Woody Allen.

 

What are you doing Saturday night?

Committing suicide.

What about Friday night?

 

 Play It Again Sam - Allan trying to talk to a girl

 

That is how I will remember Woody Allen. And of course, I wont forget the other bad things he did.

When you die, you will be remembered for the things that made you famous, and the worst thing or things you ever did. That will be your legacy...unless you did something that connected on some other level with specific people. In those cases, they remember you for that.

How will I be remembered? I don't know. I'm not famous, and most of the bad things I've done in my life weren't bad enough that others remember them. I'm more likely to be remembered as the Jay Switzer type, but who knows? I'm sure Woody Allen and Tiger Woods didn't think they would be remembered more for the bad things they did when they were at the height of their fame. I would hope those that remember me have some personal memory that sticks with them, something I did well, or did for them, or an interaction we had together.

For Mark Salling, I'm sure there are many people that have those memories of him and possibly with him. To others, he will just be that guy on Glee, or a sick pedophile who liked child porn. The remembrances belong to those who remember them. They own those.

 

 

 

 

 

Horse racing, golf and my mothers day memories.

 

 

 

"All I need are some tasty waves, cool buds and I'm fine."

--Jeff Spicoli

Fast Times at Ridgemount High came out in 1982. I was 17 that year. I wasn't a stoner or floater like Spicoli in high school. A teacher wouldn't have been able to pick me out from the pack as one to make an example of like Mr. Hand did, but I had the Spicoli attitude. I came and went as I pleased, and I did pretty much what I wanted when I wanted to.

Two things I wanted to do was play golf and go to the horse races. I wasn't above skipping a few classes to do that. Okay, maybe more than a few classes would be accurate.

Somehow, my brain was able to carry me enough to get my high school diploma so I wasn't in deep hot water that year with my parents. It did require a summer school class for a  Calculus class I failed, but I was okay with that because "Heidi with the 10 body" who wanted me to touch her all over was also taking that class and it was only 1 hour a day for a month. But otherwise, I could not really be bothered with school or homework. My homework was reading the racing program and practicing my golf swing.

When I was around 18 or 19, I decided I didn't want to go to University, even though I had been accepted. I just was sick of school. I ended up going after taking 1 year off, and I suppose I knew I would do that eventually, but it easily might not have played out that way. More about that later in the blog.

At that point, I had decided I was going to play golf during the day, go to the races at night or in the afternoon (or both), and handicap all night while I watched reruns of Lassie and Vegas or Matt Houston. Or any other show in reruns at 3am that I hadn't seen in first run. Simon and Simon turned out to be one of those that fell into my lap that year in the wee hours. I always loved the Simon and Simon theme song. No You Tube in those days, so it made me stay up to watch for it even on the odd night when I didn't want to stay up all night. 

 

I had the money to do that. I worked every summer up to that point and saved all my money, and I also inherited 8k when my Aunt Eta passed away. I lived at home for free, but paid for my own groceries and never asked for a dime from my parents. My father didn't like it, but he kept quiet. I guess he assumed I was smart enough to figure it out on my own at some point. I decided if I was going to come and go as I pleased, I didn't want to do it in my fathers Cadillac, as comfy as that was.

At that time, my father had 5 brand New Cadillac's, of which 4 were always parked on the street or in the driveway. 5 Cadillac's? Yes, that is what I wrote. There was my sister, my mother, myself and my father. My mother and sister would never drive big cars like that, so, there was no need for even 2. But, that was my father.  So, I had my pick of using one whenever I wanted to. The keys were lined up on the wall like a rent-a-car center. Pick whatever color you wanted to drive that day. I used to drive one to school every now and then. One day the principal thought I had stolen it and called me into the office to explain how a kid without blue-blood parents could drive a different brand new Cadillac to school once a week.

My dad liked to have things, and lots of them. One Cadillac wasn't enough, he had to have as many as he could get his hands on. When his shell game that he used to get those came crashing down one night, some people came and just took them all away and they were gone when we woke up. I wanted to have my own car, even if it was not much of a flashy car like a Cadillac. I wanted it to be there any day I felt like golfing or going to the races, or anywhere else for that matter. I had my aunts inheritance in the bank and I intended on using a part of that to get something that would suit my needs.

My mother was against it. She thought I would buy something that would end up being a lemon, or had a lien on it, or some other problem she figured I would get myself into.

My mother has departed this earth, about 6 years ago. I don't think of her often. I am not the type to dwell much. But, I do remember her of course, and as today is Mother's day, and my friend Dave Schwartz posted a podcast about horse racing, golf and mothers, a story came to my head.
I remember the day I went to by my first car, a Pontiac Acadian. I can remember that because I was also going to go to the track after, and a bearcat of a 3yo mare named Omaha Girl was racing at Greenwood that night. It turned out to be a very rainy and ugly night, so, I test drove the car and skipped the races. But, seeing as I had the program, and I keep them all, I could look up the date.

That car, horse racing, and how my mother reacted to me getting that car, my liking of horse racing and the "incident" that happened the next summer is the story of this blog.

Despite her protests, about that car, and how much time I spent (wasted) on horse racing (that bad gambling thing I did), I bought the car, and I continued to go to the races. It turns out there were no liens on the car, it ran perfectly for years, and it got me around to all sorts of places. Like, the golf course. I played at least 4 times a week. Some weeks, 27 holes in a row, then to the races, and even 5 or 6 times a week and doubleheader Sundays for the racing with Orangeville in the afternoon and Greenwood at night. It was a great life. A Spicoli type of life.

I got better and better at the golf thing, and even had aspirations of playing in tournaments and trying to test my skill against the best. I never did. I practiced so much plus the playing that I developed a bad back within a year. While I was doing well, I could easily drive the ball 300 yards consistently, which for my size and shape amazed anybody I played with, and I became an excellent putter and chipper. Life was good.

As for the races, I thought I was really good at that as well, and only time has made me realize I was really bad at it at that point. Nevertheless, on a trip to Florida in the spring of my "taking the year off" year, we went to Jai Alai, the Greyhound races and even to Gulfstream. I won at all of those and figured I could pack up all my crap in the car and just drive down to Florida, play golf all day, the dogs, Jai Alai and any horse races I could find, make money doing that and live the good life. As Cat Stevens would say, "Oh Very Young".

I told my mother that was what I was going to do about a week before I was to go and do it. I guess she thought I was just talking, and although she was not pleased and protested, she just let it lie.

Then came the day I started to pack the things into my new (used) car. I had most of it in there, and I was about ready to go. My mother was panicky, and she kept pleading with me not to do it. I was almost out the door, but somehow, she got me back in and got me to stay.

Luckily for me, because if I had gone, I would have lost all my money, as I was lousy at playing horses as I said. I applied back for University, got in, and left the Spicoli lifestyle behind me.

I still golfed, I still went to the races, but I grew up. Thanks to my mother.

When you are young, maybe you only need some tasty waves and cool buds. But hopefully you grow out of that. Or you listen to your mother when she tells you to grow out of it and grow up.

On this day, word to your mother. 

 

 

The Snake In My Veins

I felt pain in my lower legs. I didn't know why, and it was minor, but it was there. I sat down, near the window, looking out to the yard. I squeezed my legs, and very warm water was oozing out, at a steady rate. I would squeeze and it just kept coming. Then, it seemed dry and I would go to the other leg, and had to do the same. As soon as I drained that leg, the other one was full again. I went back and had to squeeze that one. It seemed like an endless merry-go-round. Then as I drained that one again. a very long, rod-like soft pipe was there. I'd never seen it before, but I pulled on it. It started to come out, but the more I pulled, the more it just kept coming. It seemed there was no end to it. 

I kept pulling it out. It was long, coarse, and seemingly endless. I pulled and it just kept coming, but it never seemed to end. Finally, I got to the end, It determined it would have to come completely out. At that end, it was a snakes head. The long pipe was a snake. Now, the head was trying to bite me. It didn't want to come all the way out, and it was going to fight me for it. The snake had a small head, not really dangerous like you would imagine a snake to be. I grabbed it by the neck, so it couldn't bite me, but it kept trying. It was very close. Very very close. I could almost feel its teeth on the skin of my hands. I called out to the others in the room to get me a knife. I wanted to just cut its head off. To kill it. Put it to sleep, once and for all. Those people couldn't--or wouldn't--get me a knife.

We continued to fight, to struggle against each other, but now, my grip was tighter, and its head was bigger. It was a lot more dangerous now. It was fighting harder. 
And that is where the dream ended. Yes, it was just a dream. Did it mean something? Of course it did. Do I know what that is? I have some ideas, but you can never really be sure what the ultimate meaning is. I can guess, and I am guessing.

The real fight is now in the waking hours. I rarely remember my dreams, or if I do, the details are very foggy. This is the exception to that scenario. I was meant to remember this one.

I've never actually been bitten by a snake. But somehow, I know what it feels like. In my dreams, I know what it is going to feel like. It's internal. It's metaphorical. But it feels real. Like I've been bitten before and I know what that feels like, in real terms.  Inside, that part of me I am trying to get out, that snakes head,  is that devilish and devious side, and reminds me of my father. He was that way almost his entire life. Many of my most troubling of traits look a lot like the ones that took my father down over time. I have been better than that, mostly, in my life, but I know the roots of what I could be still reside in my body, and likely in the blood that flows through my veins.  It's in my blood, in my veins, and as I try to fight with it, it tries to attack me. It has a home and it doesn't want to be evicted. It is not easy to send it on its way. It will resist and bite me, and there will be pain to try and exorcise it. For all I know, my father felt the same way. For all I know, we all feel that way.
 When we have parts of ourselves we want purged, we know they resist and want to remain. It's almost like they belong, or feel they belong. They are virtually an organ that belongs with all the vital organs, like a heart, a lung, a kidney, a brain. Our DNA, or the parts of ourselves that we inherit, that don't help us, but hurt us, are very difficult to remove. They have incubated and lived within us since day one.
As sleep approaches each night, I expect there might be another dream. So far, there has not been.  Who knows? Dreams come and they aren't predictable. Daylight reality is somewhat predictable. The snake has to go. I have to find a way to make that happen, when I have the control to do what it takes to make that happen. I suppose the dream was telling me that. 
 When you've got a snake in your veins, nobody can help you. Even if they want to. Only you can help you. You have to kill the devil inside you, or it cannot be killed. Maybe it just cant be killed. But if it can, it has to be you that does it, or it is never really dead. It is just dormant for whatever reason. Nobody can hand you the knife to cut its head off. Only you can do it, and its a solitary battle only you can win.
 I woke up before I could cut the head off the snake. I take that as a sign it is still there, and there is more work to be done to find a way to kill that part of me. That presumes that it needs killing. Maybe I die if it dies. Maybe it gives me life, and I need it, even though it can be very destructive and disruptive to my overall well being. I don't know. It's just a guess. Like most things in life, its all a guess as to what is best, or not best, for your own well being.
Part of me feels like I want it out, but part of me knows I am the person I am because its there. That is the internal turmoil we all feel about the things that shape our core which we inherited from our parents, and to some extent, their parents, and to some extent, many generations down the line that have formed the end product that is us.

What is that devil inside me, that snake in my veins?

I've always been fiery, even very hot tempered when I was younger. In those days, I was borderline out of control. Destructive to a point I might even have been dangerous if I hadn't been able to control it when it got really intense. Luckily, I was able to stay on the right side of that line. As I aged, I gradually have been able to keep it in check. But surely, it is still embedded in my blood and being. No doubt about that. The dream reflects that. 

Jeff Bridges...in Seabiscuit, plays Charles Howard, the owner of that horse. He asks the question, "son, what are you so mad at?"

I've watched and played that scene many times over since it came out. In many ways, I have been Red Pollard in that scene. The character Toby McGuire plays. The out of control angry man, who can't really explain to others why he is so angry to the point he does stupid things that can't be explained later on, when the anger hasn't even dissipated much.

Everyone reaches that bridge in life that Toby McGuire's character does at the end of the scene. The one where you cant understand why you do the things you do and you don't feel like you can go back to the other side and exist as you wish to be. Because that snake bites you back when you try to be that "better person".

Searching So Long

As my life goes on I believe
Somehow something's changed
Something deep inside
Ooh a part of me
There's a strange new light in my eyes
Things I've never known
Changing my life
Changing me
I've been searchin'
So long
To find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am
Feeling very free
Life is everything
Ooh it's meant to be
When my days have come to an end
I will understand
What I left behind
Part of me
I've been searching
So long
To find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning

Searching
For an answer
To the question,
"who am I?"
Maybe it's true
It's only natural
Good things
In life
Take a long time


 
At that point, as Chicago talks about in the song, you want an answer to the question of life,

"Who Am I"

"You have a gift. You have a gift." That is what Red Pollard's father says near the end of the clip. It implies that the gifts he has received come with the other parts that don't feel at all like gifts.

I have gifts. Many of those come from the DNA of both my parents, but mostly my father. Gifts come with price tags. We all pay for the gifts we have by accepting the bad parts that came with that.

Maybe the devil can't be purged. Maybe the snakes head cannot be cut. Maybe cutting the snakes head will change my core, in ways I don't want changed. Will I lose the gifts I have that come if only attached to the parts I don't like?

Who am I? Who is anybody?

I don't know.

Only in dreams do we ever really face the snake and attempt to take it on. Even in dreams, where the impossible can become possible, it is near impossible to kill your demons.

The snake is still in my veins. Of that much I am sure. There will be another dream, and I will confront the demon snake again. I have no idea how that will go.

We are who we are, who we were born to be, no matter how much we wish we could do something about that. To some extent we can, but in many ways, we cannot. We can only hope to make the effort and hope for the best. 
We are all Searching for the answer, and I think we always will be. Good things, in life, take a long time, as the song ends with. 
And that also ends the blog, somewhat incomplete. As is life most of the time. 

Climate Change wont work. Here is why: One word. Selfishness.

In Nahlah Ayed's piece below, she starts off with this statement:

"Its a turning point we're told. That it's the fight of our generation. Words that suggest global unity against one common enemy."

I will explore that statement in this blog. Obviously, by the title, you know that I view that as total BS. It's a lot of hot air. More than even the hot air that they are trying to cool with the rhetoric they spew in Paris this week.

http://www.nationaljournal.com/s/113498/scientists-2015-pace-be-hottest-year-recorded-history?mref=landing-big 

 UNICEF, an­oth­er UN agency, re­leased a re­port on Nov. 24 claim­ing that chil­dren will bear the brunt of fu­ture tem­per­at­ure rises and their as­so­ci­ated ef­fects.

 I am not a climate change denier. I believe in science and accept the findings of those who have been doing the work. For me, that will never be the issue. I understand what is happening, and I have a different reasoning for not changing my ways. Not entirely anyway. And I think most are like me, although they talk a good lip service game when they discuss what to do about it.
I try to be the good citizen. I recycle. I conserve water. I compost. I try to create as little garbage as possible. I reuse more than anyone you have probably ever met. I try to plan my trips so that I hit the grocery store on the way to my weekly hockey game, thereby eliminating one needless, carbon spewing car trip into the atmosphere. I grow some of my own vegetables and fruits, and I waste almost nothing I buy. I don't (mia culpa, hardly ever) eat meat. I keep the aircon off unless I must have it. If the house gets a shade colder, I put a sweater and an extra pair of socks on.
Sure, the world is hotter in 2015 than its ever been before. When I say ever, I mean the modern era. I'm sure over 4 billion years, there have been hotter years. And we have survived to live to tell, and heat it up again.
However, when push comes to shove, no matter how hot it gets now, by the time I die, it wont make hardly a dent in the way of life of most of the world. So, in reality, I would be acting now so others in the future will get the benefit I never will. 
I have never been one that is all that concerned that humans survive well after I am dead. I'm not against them doing so, and I guess I hope they do, but if I'm dead, why do I really care? The truth is, I do...and I don't. I do, because species survival is inherent in all beings. I don't, because I really am more concerned about myself than the overall species. If the two competing agendas can live as one in harmony, so be it. But, if one has to suffer at the others expense, then, I am going to be selfish and screw the future over for my own current, in-the-now, happiness. 
So, will I give up fossil fueled cars altogether? Hell No. Who would? So some person I have never met can enjoy a better life 200 years from now? I don't think so. 
In Paul Hunter's piece below, he brings the viewer a story of how Atlanta, once one of the worst air pollution cities in America, had seen a very significant rise in electric cars, and the culture seemed to be changing. That was for one simple reason: The subsidy that the State of Georgia and Federal government provided to slash the cost of a new electric car as opposed to a gasoline or diesel car.

In the piece, Hunter gets to the point. The electric car love-in ended abruptly.

"But then, a speed bump. This summer, Georgia pulled the plug, killing the state tax credit. The result, laments (the Nissan dealer in the piece)...we went from selling 275 in June and I think in July we may have sold 6."

I will try to do the right thing, but I'm not sacrificing myself entirely to do so. Yup, I'm selfish like that. And so are you. Its all about degrees of that.

Now, if they can make an electric car that reduces world emissions to the point that global warming slows down, reverses or disappears altogether, and I don't have to spend 10 times as much to have that vehicle, I'm in. But, if it means I don't get to travel the world because it costs me too much, then no, no way, I'm not in.

Would I convert my house to 100% solar, wind and natural energy sources of power? I would, absolutely. If you can make it affordable, relative to what I pay now. Or even close to that. I'm willing to give a little. I am not completely selfish. If it means I can't afford to eat out once in a while or go to a hockey game because my disposable income is sucked up with that expense, then No, again. No way.

No matter what, somebody can do more if they gave up more of their own happiness now. But they aren't going to do that.
So, it is what it is.
And what it is is the quality of life now vs. the quality of life for the future. Those two need to be in harmony. Right now, they are not. So, as Buster Poindexter used to say, its HOT, HOT, HOT, and its going to stay that way.

I am one of those that believes nature will take care of this problem. If the apocalypse comes, and the world of Earth starts to bake, humans will decrease rapidly, thus curtailing the behavior that caused the problem. Nature will adjust and heal itself, and then regroup, just as it did in the ice age. 
The problem with humans is that they love to view history only in terms of how it relates to themselves. So, what really matters is what has happened since we rose to prominence over dinosaurs, apes and whatever else ruled the earth in the time it has existed. However, we aren't earth. We are a part of it, and we will be adjusted accordingly when our own actions cause our own species to decrease back into the harmony position. Just as any action one takes in their lives will cause reactions, adjustments and consequences. 
A hot climate, and nature are no different. Just because we think it is doesn't make it so. The idea that humans can alter nature over a vast amount of time, say millions of years, is another selfish, foolish and egocentric notion we have that simply doesn't hold water. 

 Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today
And don't worry 'bout tomorrow, hey
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today
Live for today

It is very possible, maybe even likely, that a Republican will win the White House in 2016. As I understand it, almost all Republican candidates either deny climate change is valid, or at best, admit it exists but don't view it as an issue of upmost importance as the current President does. That is the type of leadership that tells you the will is not there. I view that as more the overall attitude of the average person on the street, who will continue to pollute, waste and generally contribute to the problem. I don't know what it would take to turn the tide on that, but as of yet, I haven't seen anything to change my position on that.
I think in many U.S. towns, and worldwide for that matter, if it comes down to shutting down a plant that supplies jobs because the emissions and nature of their business contributes to the overall problem, they simply wont. If it means their way of life--a good life--will be harmed, it is not going to be the prevailing will. 
People are selfish. That is always the prevailing will.   
Is it sad that people 5,000 miles from us get hit by megastorms that might be caused or enhanced by global warming? Yes, it is. 
Does it bother some that it happens? I'm sure it does. Some more than others. But in reality, it's a two week "I care" kind of moment. It fades away, until the next one, and then it's too bad again. And in the meantime, we will do all the things that probably cause those problems. Because, in our daily lives, something that happens 5,000 miles away from our humble abode and great city, mean nothing to us. Certainly not enough for us to care any more than initially about the suffering and our part in that. If the pollution in Atlanta returns to smog central, then they will do what they have to to fix that. Because then, it will be about the citizens daily quality of life, in the hear and now. They didn't need any global Climate Summit in Los Angeles in the 70s. They needed a city so high in smog it was unlivable. Simple as that. That was very tangible. That created will for change.
Yeah, the stakes are high. I guess. And the tragedies will only mount. Sure. And in terms of our total interest in all that, its long off and not close enough to home to matter. Now, if the shores of the Hudson River overflow and decimate New York City, or the California coast overflows and wipes out big parts of San Francisco and Los Angeles, then I think we will take notice and start to care. Then, it will effect us, or at least people we can relate to. Real people, in our time, who lose their homes, their lives and if neither of those, at least their way of lives. Then, and only then, it becomes about us.  

I will close where I started, with the end of the Nahlah Ayed piece, and a statement by the mayor of Vancouver, Gregor Robertson.

"Our opportunity to turn that around is significant. and if we don't, the stakes grow even higher. The tragedies will only mount."

And how did the "leaders" and "diplomats" show how much they care about solving this problem? Did they take very low carbon emitting means of transportation to the summit? Did they arrive in vehicles that were 100% electric and not big, gas guzzling stretch limos?
Um, not so much.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3339333/Let-s-hope-talks-aren-t-load-hot-air-Global-warming-summit-produce-300-000-TONS-C02-50-000-people-travel-Paris-world-two-week-conference.html   

One more time, I go back to the Nahlah Ayed piece, for the most accurate statement, by the Chinese President, with a comment on President Obama's assertion that the summit is a turning point.

"the summit isn't a turning point, but a starting point."

So much for global unity. Yeah, that came and went fast enough.

Again, yes,  that is it. We are starting. However, unless humans become less selfish, which history has shown they do not, I will die and this problem will be worse, not better when that happens. And, to be frank, I'm okay with that. I do my part. Others can do theirs. Nature will do its part. It will all work out in the end. That end might be a million years from now. When that happens, nobody will remember me, or the vast majority of the next generation, or the generation after that. 
At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter that much. Not as much as my happiness in the Here and Now. 
That matters a lot. To all of us.