Here are ten signs that you may need an intervention.
You give your cat or dog an FB page because you think they can read English.
You buy your chocolate bars at the price club.
You have worn out 2 cds and need to buy a third one because you play the same one so many times.
Your cat has an FB page and you spend more time on it than your own.
You can recite all the Bachelorettes by name from every season of The Bachelor.
You think that one date with Mr. Dreamy qualifies you to change your FB status to "in a relationship"
You have 10 new purses but no money to put in any of them.
You think Reality TV is actually real and not staged.
You think that pair of jeans doesn't make your ass look fat because a Nigerian Prince tells you that he loves you when he sees it.
You wait in line for hours, if not overnight, to get an Iphone when you can get one the very next week at the store while you still use the one you have now. The one you waited in line for hours last time to get.
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
The Comic Inquirer: Monsanto sues The Hollies for patent infringement
News today from ag giant Monsanto that they have developed and patented a new drug. This new drug is a composition of the element Oxygen and a "secret, proprietary" element for which they cannot divulge. They call it AirUp.
In many ways, AirUp is similar to what we now call air, fresh air, but there is an additional molecule that we cannot see. Monsanto considers it "super air" and contends that it is superior to the regular air we breathe now.
However, seeing as that they have patented this new form of air, anyone who is caught breathing it will have to pay a user fee or be subject to the full brunt of the immense Monsanto law juggernaut. The fact that it has mixed with previously known regular air is not something Monsanto is willing to consider. All air is now the sole possession of Monsanto.
In addition, in a shocking new development, Monsanto now claims the rights to anything to do with air. Monsanto has initiated a lawsuit against The Hollies. In a statement from PR person, Monsanto commented,
"We own the air. You cannot simply sing about breathing it and think that you are not infringing on our patent. We will do whatever we have to make sure we get paid for this. The group known as "The Hollies" did not receive consent to use our product in their song. Therefore, they will have to pay user fees or simply give us the song and all profits they have gathered over the years."
Apparently, all you need is not the air you breathe, now you also need Monsanto's permission to breathe it and write about it.
In a further statement to any and all people, just to clarify and avoid any future conflict and legal actions, Monsanto has issued this press release:
"Monsanto has now patented air. You will have to pay us royalties to breathe. Do not even think of breathing the air that Monsanto has created unless you have been licensed to do so."
In an update to the above story, Monsanto officials agreed to drop the lawsuit stating clearly,
" People now cannot afford to breath the air. As all the defendants are likely to die, we feel there is no reason to pursue this matter any further."
Finally, the group Air Supply has been advised by their counsel to change their name to Monsanto-ish.
Faith Hill, Toni Braxton and Jordan Sparks have been put on notice.
In many ways, AirUp is similar to what we now call air, fresh air, but there is an additional molecule that we cannot see. Monsanto considers it "super air" and contends that it is superior to the regular air we breathe now.
However, seeing as that they have patented this new form of air, anyone who is caught breathing it will have to pay a user fee or be subject to the full brunt of the immense Monsanto law juggernaut. The fact that it has mixed with previously known regular air is not something Monsanto is willing to consider. All air is now the sole possession of Monsanto.
In addition, in a shocking new development, Monsanto now claims the rights to anything to do with air. Monsanto has initiated a lawsuit against The Hollies. In a statement from PR person, Monsanto commented,
"We own the air. You cannot simply sing about breathing it and think that you are not infringing on our patent. We will do whatever we have to make sure we get paid for this. The group known as "The Hollies" did not receive consent to use our product in their song. Therefore, they will have to pay user fees or simply give us the song and all profits they have gathered over the years."
Apparently, all you need is not the air you breathe, now you also need Monsanto's permission to breathe it and write about it.
In a further statement to any and all people, just to clarify and avoid any future conflict and legal actions, Monsanto has issued this press release:
"Monsanto has now patented air. You will have to pay us royalties to breathe. Do not even think of breathing the air that Monsanto has created unless you have been licensed to do so."
In an update to the above story, Monsanto officials agreed to drop the lawsuit stating clearly,
" People now cannot afford to breath the air. As all the defendants are likely to die, we feel there is no reason to pursue this matter any further."
Finally, the group Air Supply has been advised by their counsel to change their name to Monsanto-ish.
Faith Hill, Toni Braxton and Jordan Sparks have been put on notice.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Wanted: Wordscraper players
When you play word games, there are times when you run out of players and games to play. So, you go searching for new opponents. When you do that, you see all sorts of strange things, requests and conditions if they are to accept playing you. Here are just a few, with a bit of comic enhancement...but not much.
The following is a sample of the types of requests you see by people who are looking for people to play them, under their rules.
Wanted: Wordscraper players
Pace of the game- You must play in one sitting. If you are going to take all day, or play once a week, don't play me. However, I will play when I can. Stop trying to dominate my time. You are pathetic when you are like that. I have a life and a job and make take a week to finish the game. But right now, you must play fast, or I delete.
Style of play: No stacking. I hate stackers. I know it is part of the game. But I don't like it. So don't do it. I make the rules, not you or the inventors of the game. If you don't like that, bite me. And I will call you a cheater for doing it, even though it isn't cheating, because it makes me feel better about myself and my anger issues.
Ratings: Stats are unimportant. It's only a game, right? Except if you are below my rating, because I don't want to waste my time with you, or way above my rating, because you are a cheater. I know you are. I don't care what you say. You can't beat me unless you are cheating. I am smart goddammit. That is why I beat you, but not why you beat me. And if you are thinking I have ego issues, I don't. I just can't deal with losing. I am not lacking in confidence, I am just a sore loser. So...let's have fun and play!
I won't play anyone with blond hair. Sorry, I just won't.
I wont play anyone from Arkansas, Texas, Upstate New York and the Panhandle. Bad experiences. Don't ask.
I only play men. I mean it. Don't ask why. I just do.
You are not allowed to use a Word Generator. I will delete the game if I think you are. Even if you aren't, if I suspect you are much better than me, I will claim you are and delete the game. So, in essence, don't play me if you think you can beat me.
The following is a sample of the types of requests you see by people who are looking for people to play them, under their rules.
Wanted: Wordscraper players
Here are my conditions:
Chatting- I don't chat. But please say Hi. Otherwise, that is just rude. As for sex chat, save the pervy innuendo. I am not looking for any flirty chat. So, if you are looking for hot chat, might I direct you to the porn sites? I would just like to play a freaking word game. You WILL NOT be getting any naked pics of me. Pace of the game- You must play in one sitting. If you are going to take all day, or play once a week, don't play me. However, I will play when I can. Stop trying to dominate my time. You are pathetic when you are like that. I have a life and a job and make take a week to finish the game. But right now, you must play fast, or I delete.
Style of play: No stacking. I hate stackers. I know it is part of the game. But I don't like it. So don't do it. I make the rules, not you or the inventors of the game. If you don't like that, bite me. And I will call you a cheater for doing it, even though it isn't cheating, because it makes me feel better about myself and my anger issues.
Ratings: Stats are unimportant. It's only a game, right? Except if you are below my rating, because I don't want to waste my time with you, or way above my rating, because you are a cheater. I know you are. I don't care what you say. You can't beat me unless you are cheating. I am smart goddammit. That is why I beat you, but not why you beat me. And if you are thinking I have ego issues, I don't. I just can't deal with losing. I am not lacking in confidence, I am just a sore loser. So...let's have fun and play!
Profile pic: Current pic required. You
must have a profile pic. It can't be of a dog or cat, nor can it be your mom or your kid. I know that doesn't have anything to do with
the game, but it matters to me anyway. Secretly, I want to fantasize
about you in an inappropriate way and I can't do that unless you have a
profile pic of yourself. The less clothing, the better. Just sayin.
How can I play you if I can't jerk off while doing so? Be reasonable. At least put up a fake one.
You are not allowed to use a Word Generator. I will delete the game if I think you are. Even if you aren't, if I suspect you are much better than me, I will claim you are and delete the game. So, in essence, don't play me if you think you can beat me.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Mother Nature sues Monsanto for "Patent Infringement"
In shocking yet unsurprising news today, Mother Nature's spokesman, aka, God, has informed Monsanto that she will be initiating a lawsuit for patent infringement. Apparently, she claims that she invented that whole "seeds that grow things" thing and did not give permission for Monsanto to alter it. She will expect all profits derived from such behavior forwarded directly to her bank account (nature) and all seeds will be confiscated so as to put a halt to such abhorrent behavior.
Mother Nature, LLC has retained the law firm of THE PEOPLE, HUMANS AND GINSBERG (Ginsberg to make sure she wins) to handle her case.
When contacted for a response, an unnamed Monsanto spokesman, who didn't want to go on the record for fear or reprisal stated, "We may have to rethink this whole patent infringement thing."
Monsanto is likely to settle, as they don't want to deal with that Ginsberg guy.
Mother Nature noted that if Monsanto was going to be "difficult" about the whole thing, she would just do what she has always done. Create a plague and insects to ruin it and put them out of business, at which time she would just create more and new seeds, for which she will make sure to register the patent this time so there will be no confusion as to who owns the rights to the seeds.
Mother Nature, LLC has retained the law firm of THE PEOPLE, HUMANS AND GINSBERG (Ginsberg to make sure she wins) to handle her case.
When contacted for a response, an unnamed Monsanto spokesman, who didn't want to go on the record for fear or reprisal stated, "We may have to rethink this whole patent infringement thing."
Monsanto is likely to settle, as they don't want to deal with that Ginsberg guy.
Mother Nature noted that if Monsanto was going to be "difficult" about the whole thing, she would just do what she has always done. Create a plague and insects to ruin it and put them out of business, at which time she would just create more and new seeds, for which she will make sure to register the patent this time so there will be no confusion as to who owns the rights to the seeds.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
The Comic Inquirer: Monsanto sues Mother Nature
http://www.foodsafetynews.com/2013/05/corn-growers-turn-to-pesticides-after-genetically-modified-seeds-fail/#.UaaPZpwV-jg
With the news this week that genetically modified seeds are now not working anymore and the pests they were supposed to control have developed immunity to them, big Ag giant Monsanto has struck back in the only way they know how. They are suing Mother Nature for defiance of their patent. The following is a brief Monsanto issued statement and Mother Nature's response.
From Monsanto:
"We are fucking Monsanto. We own the patents. Who the hell does Mother Nature think she is, rejecting our pesticides and seeds? We simply won't put up with her defiance.
We have sent many emails, legal notices and letters to the head of this radical group, known as "Mother Nature" with direct orders to cease and desist with this altering of our patented concoctions. I don't think this "Mother Nature" knows who they are dealing with. We are fucking Monsanto! Fucking Monsanto I said. We have been around for more than 100 years. That has got to be respected."
Mother Nature's reply:
Monsanto who? Isn't that the guy who used to play third base for the Cubs? What is he doing making seeds?
Mother Nature further commented that she had been around since the beginning of time and would "take her chances with Ron Santo, I mean Monsanto. I just can't seem to get those two straight. I always liked Ron Santo. Too bad he decided to defy me. It's always the quiet ones ya know."
The family of deceased Ron Santo stated that while the potential Hall of Fame Cub third baseman was always a crazy loon, he was "never as batshit crazy as those Monsanto thugs" and if this persists, his estate will have no choice but to sue them for using his name in vain. As for Mother Nature, they want no part of her and wanted her to know that "we hope she is not in any way thinking we are siding with those Monsanto nuts. Only a crazy like Monsanto would take on Mother Nature and think they could win. That bitch...umm..we mean grand lady..is nasty when she wants to be."
The ghost of Harry Carey only had one thing to say about the whole affair.
With the news this week that genetically modified seeds are now not working anymore and the pests they were supposed to control have developed immunity to them, big Ag giant Monsanto has struck back in the only way they know how. They are suing Mother Nature for defiance of their patent. The following is a brief Monsanto issued statement and Mother Nature's response.
From Monsanto:
"We are fucking Monsanto. We own the patents. Who the hell does Mother Nature think she is, rejecting our pesticides and seeds? We simply won't put up with her defiance.
We have sent many emails, legal notices and letters to the head of this radical group, known as "Mother Nature" with direct orders to cease and desist with this altering of our patented concoctions. I don't think this "Mother Nature" knows who they are dealing with. We are fucking Monsanto! Fucking Monsanto I said. We have been around for more than 100 years. That has got to be respected."
Mother Nature's reply:
Monsanto who? Isn't that the guy who used to play third base for the Cubs? What is he doing making seeds?
Mother Nature further commented that she had been around since the beginning of time and would "take her chances with Ron Santo, I mean Monsanto. I just can't seem to get those two straight. I always liked Ron Santo. Too bad he decided to defy me. It's always the quiet ones ya know."
The family of deceased Ron Santo stated that while the potential Hall of Fame Cub third baseman was always a crazy loon, he was "never as batshit crazy as those Monsanto thugs" and if this persists, his estate will have no choice but to sue them for using his name in vain. As for Mother Nature, they want no part of her and wanted her to know that "we hope she is not in any way thinking we are siding with those Monsanto nuts. Only a crazy like Monsanto would take on Mother Nature and think they could win. That bitch...umm..we mean grand lady..is nasty when she wants to be."
The ghost of Harry Carey only had one thing to say about the whole affair.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Martians Study Humans: Part One
What if other planets, like Mars are really secretly studying us, like all those cartoons and way out movies tried to make us think back in the 40s, 50s and 60s?
What kind of thoughts and conclusions do you think they would come to?
I wonder myself.
Anyway, in my version of "a guy walks into a bar"... here we go.
------------------------------------------------
The head of Mars calls his top scientist into his office after his trip to Earth to share his findings.
Come in. What have you found in your travels?
Something really strange.
What is that?
Unlike us, humans need energy to survive, and they get this from consuming things they call "food".
What is "food"?
It is this thing that they create from plants that grow in the ground. And other times, they kill other animals. Also, some industrious types take elements and make all sorts of concoctions that have various forms of kinetic energy.
And when they consume this "food" what benefits do they get?
It is supposed to give them the fuel they need to perform tasks and sustain themselves.
What is strange about that?
Well, it seems that they consume so much food, that they then get too large to use any of the energy they have and don't survive as long as you would otherwise expect.
Again, that doesn't seem strange.
Yes, but then they take this other thing, they call it currency, or money, and they take that and buy "food" that is much more expensive. This food is comprised of very little energy and they pay to not get energy when they consume it. They call it "low calorie" or "diet" foods.
They pay money for food that has extremely low energy, when they need to consume fuel to survive?
Yes.
And they are supposed to be the top of the food chain?
Yes.
Couldn't they just consume less in the first place, and keep the energy level high in the "food"?
One would think so, but they have chosen not to do it that way.
Better go back and check again. That just doesn't seem logical at all.
What kind of thoughts and conclusions do you think they would come to?
I wonder myself.
Anyway, in my version of "a guy walks into a bar"... here we go.
------------------------------------------------
The head of Mars calls his top scientist into his office after his trip to Earth to share his findings.
Come in. What have you found in your travels?
Something really strange.
What is that?
Unlike us, humans need energy to survive, and they get this from consuming things they call "food".
What is "food"?
It is this thing that they create from plants that grow in the ground. And other times, they kill other animals. Also, some industrious types take elements and make all sorts of concoctions that have various forms of kinetic energy.
And when they consume this "food" what benefits do they get?
It is supposed to give them the fuel they need to perform tasks and sustain themselves.
What is strange about that?
Well, it seems that they consume so much food, that they then get too large to use any of the energy they have and don't survive as long as you would otherwise expect.
Again, that doesn't seem strange.
Yes, but then they take this other thing, they call it currency, or money, and they take that and buy "food" that is much more expensive. This food is comprised of very little energy and they pay to not get energy when they consume it. They call it "low calorie" or "diet" foods.
They pay money for food that has extremely low energy, when they need to consume fuel to survive?
Yes.
And they are supposed to be the top of the food chain?
Yes.
Couldn't they just consume less in the first place, and keep the energy level high in the "food"?
One would think so, but they have chosen not to do it that way.
Better go back and check again. That just doesn't seem logical at all.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
And in other news....
http://oncampus.macleans.ca/education/2013/04/08/science-proves-penis-size-matters/
In a revolutionary study just conducted by the Biology department at The University of Ottawa, researchers found that women find men with larger penis's more attractive than those with average or smaller penis's.
A newly published study by a University of Ottawa researcher has concluded penis length exerts a measurable sway on females evaluating potential sexual partners.
“We found that flaccid penis size had a significant influence on male attractiveness,” concludes the study that was published Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science.
“Males with a larger penis were rated relatively more attractive.”
And in other news, researchers said they won't even bother conducting a study and will just submit to the thesis that it is valid to say that men will look at women with bigger breasts at an alarmingly higher rate than women with smaller chests.
In a future study, The Government of Canada said it will conduct a study to see why our country has such a high level of debt and whether conducting studies to state the obvious, something that every human who has a real job and doesn't need a PHD to figure things out with common sense plays any factor in that.
The study will be conducted by The University of Ottawa. This will take place as soon as they finish their current study: If it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, is it really a duck?
In a revolutionary study just conducted by the Biology department at The University of Ottawa, researchers found that women find men with larger penis's more attractive than those with average or smaller penis's.
A newly published study by a University of Ottawa researcher has concluded penis length exerts a measurable sway on females evaluating potential sexual partners.
“We found that flaccid penis size had a significant influence on male attractiveness,” concludes the study that was published Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science.
“Males with a larger penis were rated relatively more attractive.”
And in other news, researchers said they won't even bother conducting a study and will just submit to the thesis that it is valid to say that men will look at women with bigger breasts at an alarmingly higher rate than women with smaller chests.
In a future study, The Government of Canada said it will conduct a study to see why our country has such a high level of debt and whether conducting studies to state the obvious, something that every human who has a real job and doesn't need a PHD to figure things out with common sense plays any factor in that.
The study will be conducted by The University of Ottawa. This will take place as soon as they finish their current study: If it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, is it really a duck?
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Ten catch phrases people should stop using.
Make an ass out of you and me.
No, just you. I want no part of it. I assume no responsibility for anything you do that makes you look like an ass.
There is no I in team.
Teim. There..are you happy now?
Who pissed in your cheerios?
I wonder if the guy that came up with this thought "hey, that sounds cool". It doesn't. It sounds fucking gross. That is what it sounds like.
Blood is thicker than water.
So is oil, so what? I can dislike my relatives just as much as I can dislike Joe Bumfuck who can't make change in the grocery store. Blood might be thicker, but so what?
Whatever floats your boat?
I think only water can float a boat.
Cause that's how I roll.
Can you stop rolling? Cause that would be fucking great.
I rock.
I wish you would make up your mind. Do you rock or is that how you roll? Because..I know and I don't like it.
When it rains it pours.
Actually, it rarely pours. It mostly drizzles or just rains lightly. So, stop saying it pours. It rarely just pours.
Bitch Please.
If you are going to call someone bitch, you likely aren't going to be polite enough to say please.
Okay, well, how about you Just Shut the fuck up. Just sayin. Ya know?
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The Comic Inquirer: Survivor: Carnival Ships
With the events of the last month, and then this week it was only a matter of time until the networks cashed in. So....
Coming this fall from CBS. Survivor, Carnival Ships.
The Comic Inquirer spoke to Carnival Owner Mickey Arison about why they decided to turn Carnival cruises into a Survivor show.
CI: Why Survivor? Why now?
MA: Well, it became obvious as a company that we simply couldn't sail our ships and complete the cruises anymore. Being that we don't do proper maintenance or have any viable safety and emergency plan, it just seemed like a natural fit for the show.
CI: But you aren't worried that doing the show will hurt business?
MA: Hell no. We are fucked now anyway. Have you seen our track record lately? The only ones left who would even consider sailing with us expect a breakdown. Again, we need to make money. CBS is paying us a shitload for this. We are all about profit. Whatever it takes. If that means throwing passengers overboard or starving them to death, so be it. We will do what we have to for the show to be a success. The beauty of it all is that we don't have to stage stunts. We already have enough shit going on without doing anything. It is really more Fear Factor than Survivor, but Survivor came up with the dough. And again, we are all about profit. You pay us, you get whatever you want. Excluding passengers. Passengers we don't care about, no matter how much they pay.
CI: What's the hook of the show? The catch? Why should someone watch this show?
MA: The hook? The catch? Passengers don't know which boat in the fleet will be the actual Survivor ship. They figure that out when it breaks down. It could be any destination. Any port.
CI: So for the ones that end up on a ship that breaks down but isn't on the show, they get what?
MA: They get a lot of food, borderline entertainment from artists who can't make it anywhere else and are starving, and if they are lucky...the boat doesn't sink. Other than that, well, its a hell of a good time and if they are really lucky they will get half the cruise before it happens and get their money back. And possibly, if they are really lucky, human waste wont spill into the cabin. But I make no promises on that one. Really, it is the Gilligan's Island Experience..up close and personal.
CI: How do the producers of the show know which boat to put the film crews on?
MA: Well, we do actually know which ships it will be. The passengers don't, but we do. We have a pretty good idea which ships are likely to break down, but we send them out anyway. So, in this case Carnival Ships is a natural for Survivor. And we have that big stage for the tribal ceremony. It's perfect. And anyway, at the rate this is going, pretty much every ship is going to break down. It's just a matter of time.
Oops, did I say that. Can we strike that? Never mind, everyone knows that anyway.
"Love, exciting and new. Come aboard, we're expecting you."
CI: And the Survivor crews are willing to endure the hardships that the other passengers suffer when the boat breaks down?
MA: Hell no. Who would actually put up with that? We have a secret deck level that keeps up the level of service no matter what is going on on the rest of the ship. We would never expect people we like and do business to have to put up with what the paying customers do.
CI: You are known as "The Mouse". How did you get that handle?
MA: Well, it was a press thing. Mickey "The Mouse" Arison. I don't really have to explain that any further, do I?
CI: Certainly not. Tell us more about how the Survivor game will work.
MA: The goal is to get voted off the boat. The survivors are the losers, they have to stay until the end. First place gets a complimentary cruise for life with Royal Caribbean, because as we all know, they offer cruises that last, don't sink, don't stink and top value for the dollar. Myself, I never sail with Carnival. I have standards. If you have money, Royal Caribbean is the place to be.
Second place gets you a ticket off the boat and your money back. Third place means you just get off the boat. All the rest must stay the whole time. Survivors are the losers. That's the hook. We like the concept.
CI: Tell us about some of the characters on the boat you think will become popular.
MA: Well, we have Goofy. He is our Captain. You can't understand a word he says, but you always know you can find him in the dining room entertaining the ladies. No worries though, his second in command, Daffy, will be steering the ship. Then there is Bugs. He is the cruise director. He always has a funny quip but when you need to get hold of him, he is very slippery and has no answers. But if we run out of food, he has a large supply of carrots. Just sayin.
Then there is Gopher. You might know him from The Loveboat. We just thought we needed some star power, and there was some nostalgia there. He still can't act but he reads his lines well. Gopher will always be Gopher. There is no replacing Gopher.
CI: Will you have any participation in all this?
MA: No, I will be at the Miami Heat game. I have better things to do than actually care about the passengers. If need be, I will send Chris Bosh to host the final tribal ceremony. Not like we need him on the Heat. We already have Lebron and D. Wade. At least he can be useful for something.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When contacted for comment, Disney Cruise Line President Walt stated,
" Our Mickey Mouse is very competent. If anything like this happens on our cruises, you can be rest assured that there will be lots of food. We have cheese. Lots of cheese."
As well, we have Huey, Dewey and Louie and they are noted sailors of vast expertise.
Coming this fall from CBS. Survivor, Carnival Ships.
The Comic Inquirer spoke to Carnival Owner Mickey Arison about why they decided to turn Carnival cruises into a Survivor show.
CI: Why Survivor? Why now?
MA: Well, it became obvious as a company that we simply couldn't sail our ships and complete the cruises anymore. Being that we don't do proper maintenance or have any viable safety and emergency plan, it just seemed like a natural fit for the show.
CI: But you aren't worried that doing the show will hurt business?
MA: Hell no. We are fucked now anyway. Have you seen our track record lately? The only ones left who would even consider sailing with us expect a breakdown. Again, we need to make money. CBS is paying us a shitload for this. We are all about profit. Whatever it takes. If that means throwing passengers overboard or starving them to death, so be it. We will do what we have to for the show to be a success. The beauty of it all is that we don't have to stage stunts. We already have enough shit going on without doing anything. It is really more Fear Factor than Survivor, but Survivor came up with the dough. And again, we are all about profit. You pay us, you get whatever you want. Excluding passengers. Passengers we don't care about, no matter how much they pay.
CI: What's the hook of the show? The catch? Why should someone watch this show?
MA: The hook? The catch? Passengers don't know which boat in the fleet will be the actual Survivor ship. They figure that out when it breaks down. It could be any destination. Any port.
CI: So for the ones that end up on a ship that breaks down but isn't on the show, they get what?
MA: They get a lot of food, borderline entertainment from artists who can't make it anywhere else and are starving, and if they are lucky...the boat doesn't sink. Other than that, well, its a hell of a good time and if they are really lucky they will get half the cruise before it happens and get their money back. And possibly, if they are really lucky, human waste wont spill into the cabin. But I make no promises on that one. Really, it is the Gilligan's Island Experience..up close and personal.
CI: How do the producers of the show know which boat to put the film crews on?
MA: Well, we do actually know which ships it will be. The passengers don't, but we do. We have a pretty good idea which ships are likely to break down, but we send them out anyway. So, in this case Carnival Ships is a natural for Survivor. And we have that big stage for the tribal ceremony. It's perfect. And anyway, at the rate this is going, pretty much every ship is going to break down. It's just a matter of time.
Oops, did I say that. Can we strike that? Never mind, everyone knows that anyway.
"Love, exciting and new. Come aboard, we're expecting you."
CI: And the Survivor crews are willing to endure the hardships that the other passengers suffer when the boat breaks down?
MA: Hell no. Who would actually put up with that? We have a secret deck level that keeps up the level of service no matter what is going on on the rest of the ship. We would never expect people we like and do business to have to put up with what the paying customers do.
CI: You are known as "The Mouse". How did you get that handle?
MA: Well, it was a press thing. Mickey "The Mouse" Arison. I don't really have to explain that any further, do I?
CI: Certainly not. Tell us more about how the Survivor game will work.
MA: The goal is to get voted off the boat. The survivors are the losers, they have to stay until the end. First place gets a complimentary cruise for life with Royal Caribbean, because as we all know, they offer cruises that last, don't sink, don't stink and top value for the dollar. Myself, I never sail with Carnival. I have standards. If you have money, Royal Caribbean is the place to be.
Second place gets you a ticket off the boat and your money back. Third place means you just get off the boat. All the rest must stay the whole time. Survivors are the losers. That's the hook. We like the concept.
CI: Tell us about some of the characters on the boat you think will become popular.
MA: Well, we have Goofy. He is our Captain. You can't understand a word he says, but you always know you can find him in the dining room entertaining the ladies. No worries though, his second in command, Daffy, will be steering the ship. Then there is Bugs. He is the cruise director. He always has a funny quip but when you need to get hold of him, he is very slippery and has no answers. But if we run out of food, he has a large supply of carrots. Just sayin.
Then there is Gopher. You might know him from The Loveboat. We just thought we needed some star power, and there was some nostalgia there. He still can't act but he reads his lines well. Gopher will always be Gopher. There is no replacing Gopher.
MA: No, I will be at the Miami Heat game. I have better things to do than actually care about the passengers. If need be, I will send Chris Bosh to host the final tribal ceremony. Not like we need him on the Heat. We already have Lebron and D. Wade. At least he can be useful for something.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When contacted for comment, Disney Cruise Line President Walt stated,
" Our Mickey Mouse is very competent. If anything like this happens on our cruises, you can be rest assured that there will be lots of food. We have cheese. Lots of cheese."
As well, we have Huey, Dewey and Louie and they are noted sailors of vast expertise.
Friday, March 1, 2013
I Miss You
Dear Candy
I know we have had a lifelong love affair. I need you and you give me so much. There is no doubt who holds the balance of power in our relationship.
Last week, at the grocery store, I deliberately did not buy much of you. Sure, there were still a few bag of chips, but they were the "healthy chips". I didn't buy any pure candy, the ones loaded with sugar and all sorts of chemicals. No chocolate. No potato chips heavily loaded with all sorts of bad fats. I even bought only fruit drinks that were pure diet.
I instead bought all sorts of seeds, designed to make me better. But they aren't you. I know that now. You give me something they never could. A rush. A sugar rush. You taste great for a reason: You are great. Nothing approaches the level of satisfaction only you can bring me. You are my Sugarmate. Every time I look at them or eat them, I only think of you. How great it is to be with you.
I just want to let you know that my brief "fling" with the seeds was just that, a fling. I broke it off last night. I realized that they gave me nothing. They are so empty. No calories. No taste. No zip. No pleasure. I now see that running to them in the thought that "the grass was greener" was a huge mistake. Will you take me back?
I know. I'm sorry. I tossed you away like yesterday's garbage. It was wrong of me to do so. I know that now. Wednesday came and I began to miss you so. Terribly so. I knew I had to wait until Friday, grocery day, to make it up to you.
But now Friday is here. I think of you all the time. You are forever in my thoughts. So much so, I can literally taste it. Literally.
Tonight is grocery shopping night. I will attempt to make it up to you. Please take me back. Say you will. Please. I beg of you.
My lips miss your sweetness. My hands long to hold you. My heart is all yours. I am truly devoted to you and only you.
Please. Take me back. I need you. I love you. I must have you. You mean everything to me. There has been no greater love in my life. I will do anything for you. Just say the word. When I say anything, I mean anything. Whatever it takes, I must have you back.
Signed
Tasteless in Toronto
I know we have had a lifelong love affair. I need you and you give me so much. There is no doubt who holds the balance of power in our relationship.
Last week, at the grocery store, I deliberately did not buy much of you. Sure, there were still a few bag of chips, but they were the "healthy chips". I didn't buy any pure candy, the ones loaded with sugar and all sorts of chemicals. No chocolate. No potato chips heavily loaded with all sorts of bad fats. I even bought only fruit drinks that were pure diet.
I instead bought all sorts of seeds, designed to make me better. But they aren't you. I know that now. You give me something they never could. A rush. A sugar rush. You taste great for a reason: You are great. Nothing approaches the level of satisfaction only you can bring me. You are my Sugarmate. Every time I look at them or eat them, I only think of you. How great it is to be with you.
I just want to let you know that my brief "fling" with the seeds was just that, a fling. I broke it off last night. I realized that they gave me nothing. They are so empty. No calories. No taste. No zip. No pleasure. I now see that running to them in the thought that "the grass was greener" was a huge mistake. Will you take me back?
I know. I'm sorry. I tossed you away like yesterday's garbage. It was wrong of me to do so. I know that now. Wednesday came and I began to miss you so. Terribly so. I knew I had to wait until Friday, grocery day, to make it up to you.
But now Friday is here. I think of you all the time. You are forever in my thoughts. So much so, I can literally taste it. Literally.
Tonight is grocery shopping night. I will attempt to make it up to you. Please take me back. Say you will. Please. I beg of you.
My lips miss your sweetness. My hands long to hold you. My heart is all yours. I am truly devoted to you and only you.
Please. Take me back. I need you. I love you. I must have you. You mean everything to me. There has been no greater love in my life. I will do anything for you. Just say the word. When I say anything, I mean anything. Whatever it takes, I must have you back.
Signed
Tasteless in Toronto
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I'll have the number 2
Her: Hi, my name is Sharon. Can I take your order?
Me: I'll have the number 2 combo.
Her: Oh, a cleaning, scaling, some poking and prodding. A free toothbrush and floss. Would you like the cheery banter or the quiet brooding assistant with relationship issues?
Me: I think I will go with the cheery banter girl today.
Her: Excellent. The last customer chose the quiet brooding assistant. I don't think that menu item is very good today.
Me: I rarely choose it. I have it a lot at home. I like some variety. I only choose it after I have been to the bank and grocery store that day. Can't have too much phony cheery either.
Her: Okay, perfect. Would you like a side of lecture as well?
Me: No, you can hold the lecture. I get enough of that at home as well. I already am aware that I eat too much candy and don't brush my teeth enough.
Her: For 10 dollars extra, I can also offer some irrelevant flirting that will lead nowhere.
Me: Umm..No thanks. I have Facebook.
Me: I'll have the number 2 combo.
Her: Oh, a cleaning, scaling, some poking and prodding. A free toothbrush and floss. Would you like the cheery banter or the quiet brooding assistant with relationship issues?
Me: I think I will go with the cheery banter girl today.
Her: Excellent. The last customer chose the quiet brooding assistant. I don't think that menu item is very good today.
Me: I rarely choose it. I have it a lot at home. I like some variety. I only choose it after I have been to the bank and grocery store that day. Can't have too much phony cheery either.
Her: Okay, perfect. Would you like a side of lecture as well?
Me: No, you can hold the lecture. I get enough of that at home as well. I already am aware that I eat too much candy and don't brush my teeth enough.
Her: For 10 dollars extra, I can also offer some irrelevant flirting that will lead nowhere.
Me: Umm..No thanks. I have Facebook.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Questions and Answers
I don't have the answers to life's tough questions.
Will the world just end one day when a large meteor rockets to the earth and crushes or vaporizes us? I have no fucking clue and neither does anyone else.
Will they ever stop making lame remakes of classic movies and TV shows? I hope so, but I don't know.
Will Angelina Jolie knock on my door and ask for directions to my bedroom for an extended stay? I don't know, but that doesn't appear likely.
How do they get the Caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don't know, you don't know and nobody really knows. So just stop asking. You don't need to know this. It just gets there and that is enough info. Knowledge isn't power here.
However. I do have some answers to the simple questions. So as Jackie Gleason would say:
Do you want some chocolate? Yes, the answer is always yes.
Is there any chance you will start liking Justin Beieber? No, unless hell freezes over. And even then, it would also have to be a snowy day in July, Pigs would have to fly and women would have to stop being naggers. That is an incredible longshot.
Is there any possibility that you will turn gay and start to be attracted to men? Nope. If I were a woman, I would just be a lesbian. Case closed.
Will men ever stop watching porn? No, it is our birthright. We have to. It's actually a law, but most don't like to discuss that, so keep it hush hush.
Is Honey Boo Boo real? No, it is some whacko computer graphic thing invented to make money for cable TV without having to actually pay for content.
Is Santa real? This is a tough one. There is a lot of debate on this and people make good arguments on both sides. I say he is real, but Rudolph is an imposter, like some Milli Vinnelli scam thing.
If a guy says his penis is a certain size should you always deduct 3 inches for boasting? Yes, always. Guys will always exaggerate this and some even start to believe their own bullshit. Just work with us on this.
Do those jeans really make her ass look fat? Yes.
Should you tell her that those jeans make her ass look fat. No.
Can women ever answer a simple question with just a "yes" or "no". No, it is not possible. It will never happen. If it does, some kind of sex change operation happened at some point. I would demand nudity and verification and possibly even a DNA test.
Will the world just end one day when a large meteor rockets to the earth and crushes or vaporizes us? I have no fucking clue and neither does anyone else.
Will they ever stop making lame remakes of classic movies and TV shows? I hope so, but I don't know.
Will Angelina Jolie knock on my door and ask for directions to my bedroom for an extended stay? I don't know, but that doesn't appear likely.
How do they get the Caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don't know, you don't know and nobody really knows. So just stop asking. You don't need to know this. It just gets there and that is enough info. Knowledge isn't power here.
However. I do have some answers to the simple questions. So as Jackie Gleason would say:
And away we go!
Do you want some chocolate? Yes, the answer is always yes.
Is there any chance you will start liking Justin Beieber? No, unless hell freezes over. And even then, it would also have to be a snowy day in July, Pigs would have to fly and women would have to stop being naggers. That is an incredible longshot.
Is there any possibility that you will turn gay and start to be attracted to men? Nope. If I were a woman, I would just be a lesbian. Case closed.
Will men ever stop watching porn? No, it is our birthright. We have to. It's actually a law, but most don't like to discuss that, so keep it hush hush.
Is Honey Boo Boo real? No, it is some whacko computer graphic thing invented to make money for cable TV without having to actually pay for content.
Is Santa real? This is a tough one. There is a lot of debate on this and people make good arguments on both sides. I say he is real, but Rudolph is an imposter, like some Milli Vinnelli scam thing.
If a guy says his penis is a certain size should you always deduct 3 inches for boasting? Yes, always. Guys will always exaggerate this and some even start to believe their own bullshit. Just work with us on this.
Do those jeans really make her ass look fat? Yes.
Should you tell her that those jeans make her ass look fat. No.
Can women ever answer a simple question with just a "yes" or "no". No, it is not possible. It will never happen. If it does, some kind of sex change operation happened at some point. I would demand nudity and verification and possibly even a DNA test.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
new Facebook guidelines:Facebook Answers back
Facebook responds to the copyright status fiasco.
Dear slaves and users who we own:
In response to the new Facebook guidelines that you have declared useless status posts against, we shall remind you that we own you. Anything you do. We will sell your info, use your content, upsell the shit out of you. And to that, you will do nothing. Your copyright, the one you have never legally copyrighted, is worth about as much as the lame status posts you make that your friends go "ha ha" and "lol" to. Zero. Nothing. Bupkis.
As for the Berne convention, keep in mind we had our own convention and we decided only what we say matters. Go ahead and sue us if you feel the need. We are a collection of multi millionares who have high powered legal counsel charged with burying you and breaking you financially. And we will.
Things would be a lot easier, on you, and ourselves, if you would go back to being sheep, being pathetic, and just using our technology while we steal your info, sell it to big corps for a huge profit. Something you agreed to when you signed up for facebook but didn't read the agreement. That was something we were counting on. Thank you. You didn't disappoint us there.
For commercial use of your written material consent is never needed. As mentioned, you already gave that in the agreement you clicked yes to long ago. Sorry, again, we own you. Get used to it. In your rush to be popular, you probably should have paid better attention that day. We knew you wouldn't. So, you know, tough shit for you. Again, we own you now.
Facebook is now an open capital entity. All members are encouraged to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version. If this makes you feel better, that is freaking great. We are glad that does that for you. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in your profile status updates. Even if you do publish a lame status, just remember:
We own you and anything you post. But we would never use your data, info, artwork or photos for any financial gain. Because of course we are not in it for the money.
May we close with a message from our spiritual and faithful leader.
"We never sell your information. Advertisers who are using the site never get access to your information."
You can trust us. We would never take advantage of you. But, we do own you.
Dear slaves and users who we own:
In response to the new Facebook guidelines that you have declared useless status posts against, we shall remind you that we own you. Anything you do. We will sell your info, use your content, upsell the shit out of you. And to that, you will do nothing. Your copyright, the one you have never legally copyrighted, is worth about as much as the lame status posts you make that your friends go "ha ha" and "lol" to. Zero. Nothing. Bupkis.
As for the Berne convention, keep in mind we had our own convention and we decided only what we say matters. Go ahead and sue us if you feel the need. We are a collection of multi millionares who have high powered legal counsel charged with burying you and breaking you financially. And we will.
Things would be a lot easier, on you, and ourselves, if you would go back to being sheep, being pathetic, and just using our technology while we steal your info, sell it to big corps for a huge profit. Something you agreed to when you signed up for facebook but didn't read the agreement. That was something we were counting on. Thank you. You didn't disappoint us there.
For commercial use of your written material consent is never needed. As mentioned, you already gave that in the agreement you clicked yes to long ago. Sorry, again, we own you. Get used to it. In your rush to be popular, you probably should have paid better attention that day. We knew you wouldn't. So, you know, tough shit for you. Again, we own you now.
Facebook is now an open capital entity. All members are encouraged to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version. If this makes you feel better, that is freaking great. We are glad that does that for you. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in your profile status updates. Even if you do publish a lame status, just remember:
We own you and anything you post. But we would never use your data, info, artwork or photos for any financial gain. Because of course we are not in it for the money.
May we close with a message from our spiritual and faithful leader.
"We never sell your information. Advertisers who are using the site never get access to your information."
You can trust us. We would never take advantage of you. But, we do own you.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
My great uncle Babatunde
Dear David Mark
I must first apologize for this unsolicited letter to you, but as you read it you will realize the need for me to take action on this very important and exciting matter. It may surprise you receiving this letter, since there was no previous correspondence from me.
My name is A lvaro Martin, a personal attorney to the late Mr. Jose David Mark, who lived in Spain for the last 10 years prior to his death. He died suddenly along with his whole nuclear family due to the tsunami catastrophe of 2004.
I am consc ious that it is certainly not a predictable way of approach to foster a relationship of trust but because of the circumstances and urgency surrounding this claim. Before the catastrophe he deposited One Trunk Box containing the sum of 12 million dollars with a safety security company here in Spain.
That security company has ma ndated me to present a member of his family to make claims on said Trunk Box or the vault will be confiscated and distributed as unclaimed. So, you see the urgency of this matter.
After exhaustive efforts of search for a direct family member to my late client which came to no avail, I was given the ultimat um to find another existing more distant relative.
I know that you may not be in any way related to my now deceased client, but having the common surname, if you follow some of my carefully instructed advice on how to take advantage of some Spanish Judicial loopholes, the Trunk Box will be released to us. This transaction is risk free for you. If and when you contact me, all you have to do is forward me 10 percent of the said 12 Million dollars, in advance of my half of the inheritance once the final details can be worked out.
Rest assured that I have all the relevant documents to make sure you receive the money you are entitled to. Your Uncle Jose will rest much easier and be at peace knowing the money he so carefully cherished and guarded will go to you, his sole remaining heir.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: My great uncle Babatunde..now known as Jose
Dear fake lawyer guy who is actually a scammer guy in some boiler shop room operation:
It doesn't surprise me at all to receive this correspondence from you, seeing as you send me one of these each month. I am surprised however at the amount of travel my Uncle, who appears to do some sort of Peter Sellers impression, did over the course of his life. Further, I am quite surprised that the great Tsunami of 2004 got him and his family, seeing as it came nowhere near to Spain. Wow, he has shit luck to get wiped out by that tsunami when it hit thousands of miles away from where he actually was. Horrible luck. But hey, good luck for me, right?
When we last spoke, a conversation you seem to not remember I was under the impression that my Uncle was a tribal leader of great significance in Nigeria..or was that Kenya? I always forget that part. Maybe next time he can be a very interesting spy, like say James Bond? I always wanted a real cool uncle. A spy. Uncle Morty from Cleveland was a forensic accountant. Just not as cool, huh?
It seems now he died in Spain as a bull fighter of some note. Nevertheless, I am pleased that he chose me, a family member he has never met and contacted before to be his sole heir to the great fortune he amassed over the years. I guess he just fought bulls to have a bit of fun and break up the monotony. I myself, if I were that rich, wouldn't go around waving a red flag at an animal that has a huge set of horns on his head and wants to gore me, considering I have 12 million bucks in the bank. I guess Uncle Jose didn't pass on that genetic trait to me.
In any event this is my good fortune. Praise god. The lord works in mysterious ways. As does the internet.
There is no need to meet. You can simply forward the whole 12 million directly to me. I will be happy to send you the 10 percent handling fee as soon as this money is free and clear in my account. I assume these terms will not be acceptable to you, as in terms of your scam, this kind of blows the whole operation.
Anyway, thanks for informing me that my fictitious uncle that never existed has not died and wont be sending me the money that never was there. That is very good of you to do me that favor.
I hope in the future that we can converse again, when that day comes when you come up with a new scam and have forgotten that you tried and failed to scam me with this one. And the one before that. And the one before that. Oh, that's right, you don't care. You didn't forget, you just don't care. Got ya.
I must first apologize for this unsolicited letter to you, but as you read it you will realize the need for me to take action on this very important and exciting matter. It may surprise you receiving this letter, since there was no previous correspondence from me.
My name is A lvaro Martin, a personal attorney to the late Mr. Jose David Mark, who lived in Spain for the last 10 years prior to his death. He died suddenly along with his whole nuclear family due to the tsunami catastrophe of 2004.
I am consc ious that it is certainly not a predictable way of approach to foster a relationship of trust but because of the circumstances and urgency surrounding this claim. Before the catastrophe he deposited One Trunk Box containing the sum of 12 million dollars with a safety security company here in Spain.
That security company has ma ndated me to present a member of his family to make claims on said Trunk Box or the vault will be confiscated and distributed as unclaimed. So, you see the urgency of this matter.
After exhaustive efforts of search for a direct family member to my late client which came to no avail, I was given the ultimat um to find another existing more distant relative.
I know that you may not be in any way related to my now deceased client, but having the common surname, if you follow some of my carefully instructed advice on how to take advantage of some Spanish Judicial loopholes, the Trunk Box will be released to us. This transaction is risk free for you. If and when you contact me, all you have to do is forward me 10 percent of the said 12 Million dollars, in advance of my half of the inheritance once the final details can be worked out.
Rest assured that I have all the relevant documents to make sure you receive the money you are entitled to. Your Uncle Jose will rest much easier and be at peace knowing the money he so carefully cherished and guarded will go to you, his sole remaining heir.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: My great uncle Babatunde..now known as Jose
Dear fake lawyer guy who is actually a scammer guy in some boiler shop room operation:
It doesn't surprise me at all to receive this correspondence from you, seeing as you send me one of these each month. I am surprised however at the amount of travel my Uncle, who appears to do some sort of Peter Sellers impression, did over the course of his life. Further, I am quite surprised that the great Tsunami of 2004 got him and his family, seeing as it came nowhere near to Spain. Wow, he has shit luck to get wiped out by that tsunami when it hit thousands of miles away from where he actually was. Horrible luck. But hey, good luck for me, right?
When we last spoke, a conversation you seem to not remember I was under the impression that my Uncle was a tribal leader of great significance in Nigeria..or was that Kenya? I always forget that part. Maybe next time he can be a very interesting spy, like say James Bond? I always wanted a real cool uncle. A spy. Uncle Morty from Cleveland was a forensic accountant. Just not as cool, huh?
It seems now he died in Spain as a bull fighter of some note. Nevertheless, I am pleased that he chose me, a family member he has never met and contacted before to be his sole heir to the great fortune he amassed over the years. I guess he just fought bulls to have a bit of fun and break up the monotony. I myself, if I were that rich, wouldn't go around waving a red flag at an animal that has a huge set of horns on his head and wants to gore me, considering I have 12 million bucks in the bank. I guess Uncle Jose didn't pass on that genetic trait to me.
In any event this is my good fortune. Praise god. The lord works in mysterious ways. As does the internet.
There is no need to meet. You can simply forward the whole 12 million directly to me. I will be happy to send you the 10 percent handling fee as soon as this money is free and clear in my account. I assume these terms will not be acceptable to you, as in terms of your scam, this kind of blows the whole operation.
Anyway, thanks for informing me that my fictitious uncle that never existed has not died and wont be sending me the money that never was there. That is very good of you to do me that favor.
I hope in the future that we can converse again, when that day comes when you come up with a new scam and have forgotten that you tried and failed to scam me with this one. And the one before that. And the one before that. Oh, that's right, you don't care. You didn't forget, you just don't care. Got ya.
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