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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Questions and Answers

I don't have the answers to life's tough questions.

Will the world just end one day when a large meteor rockets to the earth and crushes or vaporizes us? I have no fucking clue and neither does anyone else.

Will they ever stop making lame remakes of classic movies and TV shows? I hope so, but I don't know.

Will Angelina Jolie knock on my door and ask for directions to my bedroom for an extended stay? I don't know, but that doesn't appear likely.

How do they get the Caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don't know, you don't know and nobody really knows. So just stop asking. You don't need to know this. It just gets there and that is enough info. Knowledge isn't power here.

However. I do have some answers to the simple questions. So as Jackie Gleason would say:

And away we go!

Do you want some chocolate? Yes, the answer is always yes.

Is there any chance you will start liking Justin Beieber? No, unless hell freezes over. And even then, it would also have to be a snowy day in July,  Pigs would have to fly and women would have to stop being naggers. That is an incredible longshot.

Is there any possibility that you will turn gay and start to be attracted to men? Nope. If I were a woman, I would just be a lesbian. Case closed.

Will men ever stop watching porn? No, it is our birthright. We have to. It's actually a law, but most don't like to discuss that,  so keep it hush hush. 

Is Honey Boo Boo real? No, it is some whacko computer graphic thing invented to make money for cable TV without having to actually pay for content. 

Is Santa real? This is a tough one. There is a lot of debate on this and people make good arguments on both sides. I say he is real, but Rudolph is an imposter, like some Milli Vinnelli scam thing. 

If a guy says his penis is a certain size should you always deduct 3 inches for boasting? Yes, always. Guys will always exaggerate this and some even start to believe their own bullshit. Just work with us on this.

Do those jeans really make her ass look fat? Yes.

Should you tell her that those jeans make her ass look fat. No.

Can women ever answer a simple question with just a "yes" or "no". No, it is not possible. It will never happen. If it does, some kind of sex change operation happened at some point. I would demand nudity and verification and possibly even a DNA test.



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