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Monday, February 25, 2013

An Apology

I totally lost it. I admit that. I hardly do that anymore, but it happens. Even as I was doing it, I realized that I shouldn't be. But I could not stop myself. I wish, in retrospect that I had, but retrospect is an easy thing to say after the fact. Anger and frustration are so powerful that you lose the control to stop yourself when you know you should.
When I was young, I had this horrible temper. Even I didn't like me a lot of the time. But I got it under control. Mostly. Everyone notes what a patient person I am. I worked hard to become that way. But, there are still times when I lose it. I am human. I am no robot.
Anger is in all of us. It certainly is in me. I might not show it, but it is still there. You just don't see it. I control it.
There are still those moments when people make me mad, where I could just take my hands and kill them with my bare hands. That rage still exists within me. I think it resides within all of us. There is a time and place. This time wasn't that place. I am better than that. I try to be anyway.
So, you certainly made me mad. I put a lot of effort into that and we agreed on what to do. Then, you just decided to do something else, which I would have understood. But you didn't even ask me. You just did it. You discounted my work, my words and my actions. Of course, that would make anybody mad. It made me mad.
That in no way excuses my behavior. I don't want to be excused. I want to own up to it. Take the heat for what I did. I am not explaining. Okay, maybe I am explaining a bit. I do that. That is also a big part of me. But, mostly, I am apologizing because it wasn't the right thing to do or how to approach it. That was me, 40 years ago. That isn't me anymore. I slipped up. It happens. It rarely happens anymore, but it still happens.  
I am apologizing.  That isn't the way to treat anybody. Not the way I want to treat anybody. Certainly not someone I like. I could have handled it better. I guess I was just shocked and lost control because of that. Again, that isn't an excuse nor a justification. It is just what happened. 
Mostly, I am just sorry that it happened. We resolved it and it is over, but an apology only means something if you are truly sorry and intend to not do it again. I am sorry and I don't intend on doing that again. I can't say with 100% certainty that I won't, but it is my sincere intention not to. That is the only promise I can make. 

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Daily profile about a specific artist,their life, their work and their impact