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Sunday, March 17, 2013

The Comic Inquirer: Survivor: Carnival Ships

With the events of the last month, and then this week it was only a matter of time until the networks cashed in. So....

Coming this fall from CBS. Survivor, Carnival Ships.

The Comic Inquirer spoke to Carnival Owner Mickey Arison about why they decided to turn Carnival cruises into a Survivor show.

CI: Why Survivor? Why now?

MA: Well, it became obvious as a company that we simply couldn't sail our ships and complete the cruises anymore. Being that we don't do proper maintenance or have any viable safety and emergency plan, it just seemed like a natural fit for the show.

CI: But you aren't worried that doing the show will hurt business?

MA: Hell no. We are fucked now anyway. Have you seen our track record lately? The only ones left who would even consider sailing with us expect a breakdown. Again, we need to make money. CBS is paying us a shitload for this. We are all about profit. Whatever it takes. If that means throwing passengers overboard or starving them to death, so be it. We will do what we have to for the show to be a success. The beauty of it all is that we don't have to stage stunts. We already have enough shit going on without doing anything. It is really more Fear Factor than Survivor, but Survivor came up with the dough. And again, we are all about profit. You pay us, you get whatever you want. Excluding passengers. Passengers we don't care about, no matter how much they pay.

 CI: What's the hook of the show? The catch? Why should someone watch this show?

MA:  The hook? The catch? Passengers don't know which boat in the fleet will be the actual Survivor ship. They figure that out when it breaks down. It could be any destination. Any port.

CI: So for the ones that end up on a ship that breaks down but isn't on the show, they get what?

MA: They get a lot of food, borderline entertainment from artists who can't make it anywhere else and are starving, and if they are lucky...the boat doesn't sink. Other than that, well, its a hell of a good time and if they are really lucky they will get half the cruise before it happens and get their money back. And possibly, if they are really lucky, human waste wont spill into the cabin. But I make no promises on that one. Really, it is the Gilligan's Island Experience..up close and personal.

CI: How do the producers of the show know which boat to put the film crews on? 

MA: Well, we do actually know which ships it will be. The passengers don't, but we do. We have a pretty good idea which ships are likely to break down, but we send them out anyway. So, in this case Carnival Ships is a natural for Survivor. And we have that big stage for the tribal ceremony. It's perfect. And anyway, at the rate this is going, pretty much every ship is going to break down. It's just a matter of time.
Oops, did I say that. Can we strike that? Never mind, everyone knows that anyway. 

"Love, exciting and new. Come aboard, we're expecting you."

CI: And the Survivor crews are willing to endure the hardships that the other passengers suffer when the boat breaks down?

MA: Hell no. Who would actually put up with that? We have a secret deck level that keeps up the level of service no matter what is going on on the rest of the ship. We would never expect people we like and do business to have to put up with what the paying customers do.   

CI: You are known as "The Mouse". How did you get that handle?

MA: Well, it was a press thing. Mickey "The Mouse" Arison. I don't really have to explain that any further, do I?

CI: Certainly not. Tell us more about how the Survivor game will work.

MA: The goal is to get voted off the boat. The survivors are the losers,  they have to stay until the end. First place gets a complimentary cruise for life with Royal Caribbean, because as we all know, they offer cruises that last, don't sink, don't stink and top value for the dollar. Myself, I never sail with Carnival. I have standards. If you have money, Royal Caribbean is the place to be.
Second place gets you a ticket off the boat and your money back. Third place means you just get off the boat. All the rest must stay the whole time. Survivors are the losers. That's the hook. We like the concept. 

CI: Tell us about some of the characters on the boat you think will become popular.

MA: Well, we have Goofy. He is our Captain. You can't understand a word he says, but you always know you can find him in the dining room entertaining the ladies. No worries though, his second in command, Daffy, will be steering the ship. Then there is Bugs. He is the cruise director. He always has a funny quip but when you need to get hold of him, he is very slippery and has no answers. But if we run out of food, he has a large supply of carrots. Just sayin.

Then there is Gopher. You might know him from The Loveboat. We just thought we needed some star power, and there was some nostalgia there. He still can't act but he reads his lines well.  Gopher will always be Gopher. There is no replacing Gopher. 

CI: Will you have any participation in all this?

MA: No, I will be at the Miami Heat game. I have better things to do than actually care about the passengers. If need be, I will send Chris Bosh to host the final tribal ceremony. Not like we need him on the Heat. We already have Lebron and D. Wade. At least he can be useful for something. 

When contacted for comment,  Disney Cruise Line President Walt stated, 
" Our Mickey Mouse is very competent. If anything like this happens on our cruises, you can be rest assured that there will be lots of food. We have cheese. Lots of cheese."  

As well, we have Huey, Dewey and Louie and they are noted sailors of vast expertise. 

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