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Sunday, June 2, 2013

The Comic Inquirer: Monsanto sues Mother Nature

With the news this week that genetically modified seeds are now not working anymore and the pests they were supposed to control have developed immunity to them, big Ag giant Monsanto has struck back in the only way they know how. They are suing Mother Nature for defiance of their patent. The following is a brief Monsanto issued statement and Mother Nature's response.

From Monsanto:

"We are fucking Monsanto. We own the patents. Who the hell does Mother Nature think she is, rejecting our pesticides and seeds? We simply won't put up with her defiance.

We have sent many emails, legal notices and letters to the head of this radical group, known as "Mother Nature" with direct orders to cease and desist with this altering of our patented concoctions. I don't think this "Mother Nature" knows who they are dealing with. We are fucking Monsanto! Fucking Monsanto I said. We have been around for more than 100 years. That has got to be respected."

Mother Nature's reply:

Monsanto who? Isn't that the guy who used to play third base for the Cubs? What is he doing making seeds?

Mother Nature further commented that she had been around since the beginning of time and would "take her chances with Ron Santo, I mean Monsanto. I just can't seem to get those two straight. I always liked Ron Santo. Too bad he decided to defy me. It's always the quiet ones ya know."

The family of deceased Ron Santo stated that while the potential Hall of Fame Cub third baseman was always a crazy loon, he was "never as batshit crazy as those Monsanto thugs" and if this persists, his estate will have no choice but to sue them for using his name in vain. As for Mother Nature, they want no part of her and wanted her to know that "we hope she is not in any way thinking we are siding with those Monsanto nuts. Only a crazy like Monsanto would take on Mother Nature and think they could win. That bitch...umm..we mean grand nasty when she wants to be."

The ghost of Harry Carey only had one thing to say about the whole affair.

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