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Sunday, August 17, 2014

Dear Internet: I think I love you too much.

                                                          We used to laugh, we used to cry
                                                    We used to bow our heads then, wonder why
                                                       And now you're gone, I guess I'll carry on
                                                     And make the best of what you've left to me
                                                                   Left to me, left to me

                                                        I need you like the flower needs the rain
                                                  You know I need you, guess I'll start it all again
                                             You know I need you like the winter needs the spring
                                                             You know I need you, I need you


Wednesday it happened. The internet went dead. It's not the first time it has happened. It actually happened a week earlier as well. I went to bed that night and the next morning it was back up on its own. Not this time.
I waited a bit and did a few other things. A couple of hours later, it still hadn't returned. So, I went to take a nap, thinking I needed to be sharp to catch up on the things I needed to do because I had lost a couple of hours already.
I was being patient. When the internet goes down, you have to be. There really is little you can do. But it is very tough. We all know that. We feel helpless. Something we want, and maybe even need, we can't have and have little control over it either way.
It was about 3pm when I went to take the nap. I expected to be back up by 5pm and then get ready to watch and possibly bet on the nights races.
I finally drug my ass out of bed at 6pm, but still no internet.
So, I was resigned to the fact that it wasn't likely coming back up that day. I went and played with all the connections. The modems. The Wifi box. All the wires. Nothing worked. That had worked before, but not this time. I was certainly frustrated.
It seems so simple to me. Yet we have had this issue for many years. For a while about 5 years ago, it was a daily thing. Now, it hadn't happened for a long time, except for that one episode last week.
We had gotten a new, faster modem two weeks before, so I thought it had to be something to do with that. Makes sense, right? Always look towards the most obvious explanation. It was clear the signal wasn't getting to the modem. But was the modem the actual problem. Truthfully, I really didn't know. I am kind of tech savvy, but certainly not savvy enough to know for sure either way.
My wife arrived home from work and it was her job to call the cable company and try to figure it out. Turns out they couldn't. It should be working. There were no outages in the area. The equipment seemed to be working. But the outside signal wasn't reaching the modem. The only answer was to change the cable wires. That meant me going to Best Buy and getting a new one. To say I wasn't happy about having to do that at 8:30 on a Wednesday night would be a colossal
So, I went upstairs, got dressed, bitched and moaned and was on my way. I knew this wasn't going to work, but I was told that was what you should do first. Change the wires. Make sure it isn't that simple. So, 23 bucks later, back home, I changed the old, still good wires, for new wires. And of course, there was no difference.
We had to book an appointment to have a technician come out and figure out the problem. The big problem was that it was already late this night and the only appointment for the next day, Thursday, was from 4 to 6. Any other day, that would have been fine. I am home all day, just about every day. I don't have a day job. I make my own hours. My time is my time. Except for this particular day. I had my nephews wedding and this time window was not going to work. So, that meant waiting until the following morning to have the service restored. 
That meant no internet for 2 whole days. 48 hours! 
Now, I was not patient anymore. I was beyond frustrated. I was mad. Why? It seems so fucking simple. Just beam the signal through the cable wires and we should have service. We don't live in a remote area. But still, no internet. I bitched and moaned about that for the whole 48 hours until it was fixed.
Thursday came, and it was clear whatever the issue was, it wasn't going to resolve on its own.

I did you wrong, my heart went out to play
But in the game I lost you, what a price to pay
I'm cryin'

I'm just about at the end of my rope
But I can't stop tryin' I can't give up hope
Cause I feel that one day I'll hold you near
Whisper I still love you
Until the day is here
Oooh, I'm crying

Ooh baby baby
Ooh baby baby
So, I did what I could on the computer without the internet. There were still things to do. It was a hardship. No doubt. But I managed. And I spent a lot more time outside, catching up on projects I should have already completed. Why hadn't I completed those projects? Because I spend way too much time on the internet. I know that. But it was much more obvious when I had no choice in the matter. 
One thing about working outside is this: No gadgets. No distractions. My thought process and idea machine becomes much sharper and clearer when I do this. And it did again in this case. The idea for this blog came in that process. The title of the blog came from that song popping in my head. The one I am going to post at the end of the blog. It all flowed from there. Like many things in life, it all happened for a reason.
After a day or so, of getting out and doing stuff, and being productive, I think it was a sign. A message. An indirect message sent from wherever and from whomever sends these messages that I needed to detach a bit from the internet. And since I wasn't doing that, it was done for me.

If I picked you up
You know you'd slip right away
And if I locked you up
You'd find a way to make me pay
You're gonna hurt me more than anybody else
'Cause you know I'm an easy touch
Oh, baby, baby
I think I love you too much

I guess I'm gonna get you what you want
'Cause I'm so in to you
You don't even give an inch to me, baby
Though I've been giving you a mile or two

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not alone, no
You're sitting right there
How come I get the feeling
That you can vanish into the air?
And I love you more than anybody else, baby
Can't you tell I'm an easy touch
Oh, baby, baby
I think I love you too much
Mmm, baby, baby
I think I love you too much
I said, baby, baby
I think I love you too much, yeah

I need the internet. I do. For sure. I get lots of data, info and entertainment from it. There is no realistic talk about quitting it altogether. That is foolish talk in this day and age. I understand that. But, maybe I have been using it too much. Maybe I love it too much. Too much for my own good. 
No. Not maybe. For sure I do. We all do. We have fallen in love with this toy we need. Need more than we should need it. We have distorted its value and hold on us. It takes an unrelated incident to see that sometimes.
This is one of those cases of a blessing in disguise. They say there is no pain, no gain. That is very true in this case. 
It turns out, after the technician figured out the issue, that it was a loose connection in the box outside. That had probably been there for years. And now it's solved. 
Of course now it's solved. Because now I have a better perspective on using this very powerful tool we call the internet. Once I gained that, there was no need anymore for it to cause trouble. It had served its cosmic purpose.  


 Dear Internet: I think I love you too much.

I love you. Yes,  I do. I always have. From that first moment about 19 years ago when I was at the CNE, and they had all this info stored in a computer screen. It was like crack cocaine to an info junkie like me. There was no way I could resist it.
But like many junkies, I have let you consume me.
I love you too much. It isn't a healthy love. It is destructive.
I still need you. I can't quit you cold turkey. And I won't. You know that.
But,  I love you too much. Too much for both of our own goods.
So, I will always love you. But, I will pull back a bit. Become my own person again. More like the person I used to be. The one that needed you in the first place. Not like the one that become wholly dependent on you. 
I don't like me like that, and you probably don't either. It isn't healthy. 
Please understand that I do still love you. Our trial separation, even though it was forced upon me, has been very beneficial. I think we will interact better in the future. That will only enhance our love. Not destruct our relationship. 
I hope you understand all this. This is not goodbye, this is a healthier hello.


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Daily profile about a specific artist,their life, their work and their impact