Sex Tape:2014

 Sex Tape: (2014) .3 out of 5 Stars

 

 

 

Sex Tape is a great concept movie.

Basically, it's about a studio executive who has no concept of how to make a funny movie, so he takes a fresh original concept, hires a former A list actor who agrees to do the film, mostly for the money, but also because the good roles have long since dried up after a string of failures. A second subplot is a TV actor/writer--the former A list actors costar--who isn't that funny and can't act. He tries to parlay his TV fame and clout, and some of his own money, into a starring role he doesn't deserve and can't pull off. They add a few of the normal gags you would expect for a paper thin movie, like a dog chasing the star around the house while the main character does Coke with her boss. The usual gags and funny bits you see in any paper thin movie. They also explore how writers can be extremely lazy and not bother to write funny material when the studio bosses don't care either way. 

Oh sorry. That is the movie I just saw, not the one they tried to make.

The movie is supposed to be about a couple who is in a sexual rut about 10 years into their marriage, and decides on the spur of the moment to make a sex tape. And you guessed it, they let the tape get into the wrong hands and spend one night trying to get all the copies back. A somewhat fresh concept with lots of potential. Too bad they couldn't put some money into THAT movie, with some better actors, more qualified writers, a decent director and actually make a good movie.

Have to say, there is almost nothing good I can say about this movie.

The 20 or so funny lines that were aimed at the audience were so bad that they didn't get one laugh in the theater. That is mostly because they weren't funny. And even when they might have been, they were so poorly delivered that they didn't sound funny.

You know that saying of "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you." Yeah, you get the idea.

Well, in this case, I was laughing at how stupid the jokes were, not how funny they were. Or weren't in this case.

Cameron Diaz used to be really hot, and have that thing that makes you want to watch her. Like in "There's Something About Mary." Now, she is still pretty hot, but after about 10 minutes, you don't even care anymore. She is just lame, annoying and frankly, looked bored dealing with amateurs and horrendous material. I felt sorry for her.

Jason Segel is not funny, can't act, has no comedic timing and generally turns you off. I have no clue why he has gotten where he has. He must have pictures of someone that he uses to blackmail them. In an ironic twist, he plays the character being blackmailed in this movie. Maybe that was the inside joke I missed somehow. 

That wouldn't be hard though. When a movie is this bad, it's hard to maintain your attention for more than the 20 seconds Cameron Diaz was naked or semi naked.

Rob Lowe does the best he can with the little he was given. But the character is so poorly written and presented, you don't buy it. That's not his fault. It's a symptom of the whole movie.

This movie did have possibilities. They had a decent mother-in-law character which they did nothing with. There was more there that could have been used instead of continually showing us the couples best friends that was basically a total waste of screen time. Those were two really bad actors acting up terribly boring and lame characters that nobody would buy in the first place.

There was the new boss, with the corporate image who is really a sexual deviant, metal music blasting former cocaine user character. That could have been something, if they didn't go for Benny Hill type jokes and spent some time not going for gags over substance. They simply couldn't be bothered. Rob Lowe tried, but he couldn't save this character. He isn't that good an actor and even Deniro or Pacino would have had a tough time making chicken cordon out of the chicken shit that was on the stove this time.

And finally, the gem of the movie was the kid who blackmailed the sex tape couple in the first place. That could have been the hook the movie rested the whole story on. But, they even botched that up by going the tired cliche and lackadaisical writing route. Even as young as the actor is who played this character and how talented he might be, even he realized that he should just mail it in because there wasn't enough meat to make a good steak dinner out of.

So, basically, I hated this movie. I gave it .3 stars out of 5.

The .3 is for the 3 times Cameron Diaz was either naked, showed her hot body and butt, or you could see through her top. That probably amounted to about 20 seconds out of the hour and a half of my life I am never getting back.

At least we had free passes, so the movie didn't cost anything. Other than my faith in the studios to ever make a funny movie again that isn't aimed at no minds who can't see how thin the writing is so they don't bother trying to write anything funny. That faith is pretty much dead anyway. But if it was on life support, the studios just pulled the plug.

I think mostly, the writers spent too much time watching porn to spend time writing funny dialogue and scenes. At least they got that part of the movie right. That is probably a lot more accurate than any of the stupid scenes and words they came up with for Diaz and Segel to speak and act in. I guess I could have given Segel a pass there, but he was part of the writing team. If you could call them that. I wouldn't.

If you really hate yourself, spend some time watching this movie. If you hate your friends, recommend it. If you want to see Cameron Diaz naked, go on the internet and search for the 20 second You Tube video someone is going to splice together and post in the near future.

If you like yourself and value your time, then avoid this piece of crap under any and all circumstances.
Even seeing Cameron Diaz naked didn't justify me seeing this movie. That says all you need to know about the lack of value here.