Why I will Never Get A Massage

My friend Michelle Franco wrote a blog yesterday about getting a massage. I thought it was highly entertaining and have included it below. Instead of just commenting on it, I thought I would write a blog of my own on the subject, as I have discussed this very issue with a few friends over the years.

http://mefrancoauthor.blogspot.ca/2012/07/relax-its-just-butt-massage.html

I get sore just like any other person. As I get older that gets worse. In the past few weeks I have had a very significant stiff neck. Significant enough that I could not drive for a few days. Significant enough that I had to use my arms to lift myself out of bed because my neck would not turn.  I also have a chronically sore back from my years of playing sports, and more specifically,  golf. Since I have gained a bit of weight in the last 20 years,  I now have sore legs as well. None of that is painful, nor life altering, but it is noticeable and I probably could use some massage therapy.
But, I will never get a massage. Ever. And I am going to tell you why.
There are two kinds of massage therapists.  Men and Women. I will not be getting a massage from either of them.

Quite frankly, I don't ever want any man touching me,  other than shaking my hand. I know that if a massage therapist,  who was a man, was giving me a massage it would be because he is just doing his job. I am not gay and he likely isn't either. Nevertheless it has always made me uncomfortable for a man to touch my body. Chances are he is not gay and even if he was the massage does not have to have any sexual overtones. In any event, I don't feel comfortable with a man touching my body, other than my hand, so it wont ever happen. If the point of the massage is to relax me, that wont happen. So, it wont ever happen.
That leaves a woman massage therapist as the only other option. For two reasons that I can think of, that will not happen either.
First, a woman touching my body is going to turn me on. Assuming she has a very nice touch, even more so. I can't help it. A woman touching my body with her soft hands is going to make me excited,  and most likely hard. That is just a reality I accept. God made me that way and I realize that. Being that I am there to relieve stress, aches and pains and what not, the thought of a woman touching my body and me becoming aroused by it is not going to leave me relaxed one bit. It is counterproductive to the reason I wanted the massage in the first place. A woman massaging me who I cannot touch back would only increase my stress level, not reduce it. It is for that exact reason why I never go to strip clubs. Why would I want to be aroused by a woman I cannot touch? I don't.

The last possibility is getting a massage from a very unattractive woman, one who physically is so unappealing to me that I cannot be turned on by her no matter what. Likely, I would not even get that woman as a matter of circumstance or luck. But, on the odd chance that I do, still, I don't like the thought of an unattractive woman touching my mostly naked body. It just doesn't seem like something I would want to do. So, that option is out as well.
Therefore, it seems I will never get a massage. Now, if I was single, and she was hot and it led to sex, that I would be okay with. Too bad that porn fantasy that every guy has is not a reality, but pure fantasy.

If they ever invent a third sex, one that is neither female, or male, or sexual, then I am in business.
Until then, I will just suffer along and be relaxed in the notion that no one is touching me that shouldn't be touching me.

If need be, I can take care of myself. I am certainly still capable of doing that.