This is my explanation, for what its worth.

There are times in life when you have to do certain things. They don't make sense to other people, even those that know you very well. I've said before that nobody really knows anybody as well as they think they do. What goes on inside someones head is very personal. There are times when it doesn't even make sense to me, and I'm very sensible as a rule.

I deactivated my facebook account on Sunday. I knew I was going to do it eventually, but when that was I didn't know. I'd thought about doing it for a long time. I'd talked about doing it many times. I'd already cut down on a few other things, hoping it would improve my work ethic and thinking process. It did, and it didn't. I was more productive, but not more potent. I was getting more done, but not doing it well.

I woke up today thinking I would just do my thing. I had big plans on what I was going to achieve, to start moving back in the right direction. I have been going in the wrong direction for weeks. I was hopeful that I took some pain to get some gain. Today was the day I thought I would start gaining. By midday, it was clear there was very little gain.
It was a rough week in terms of the things I've done, and mistakes have been made on many levels, on many things, and even with some people and how I conveyed that I just needed time to sort out why I wasn't getting where I needed to be. That didn't have anything to do with them, but only with me. Unfortunately, I didn't express that right in some instances, and it was only logical for them to think it was about them, or some incidents that occurred. Yes, I'm sure that was a small part of it, but it wasn't the driver. It was about me. I just needed time to sort things out in my head. I tried leaning on my writing, because that usually works and helps me sort things out. It did, but it didn't. In some ways, it only muddied the waters.

I should have been in that place today, that productive, potent and good place, but I wasn't. I was already starting to think about doing something about that, and then I read a post about just letting go of something if its not working for you. That made sense. Facebook is not working for me, and it hasn't been for a very long time. I stayed only because its a crutch, a valve to ease my mind when I do the intense hard mental work I do on a daily basis. But, that never made it enjoyable, but for a few friends and a few activities. It wasn't enough to keep me anymore. It was actually hurting me a lot more than helping and it was time to go, at least for now. I had to go.

I am a patient person. That has been noted by people. That is true. I am one who considers carefully all the options and tries to make informed decisions. But, when the time comes to make the decision, I will do it in seconds, if that feels like the right thing to do. Sometimes I get it wrong, but I know that if my gut tells me to do it, I do it and live with the fallout or result of however it plays out. If I hadn't deactivated right when I did, I might have convinced myself to wait and then fall back into the black hole that Facebook can be. I couldn't let that happen. I stayed training racehorses way too long because I talked myself out of stopping many times when it was already time to stop. I try to learn from that lesson.

Does it feel good to be off Facebook? It does. It did immediately after I did it. Is it strange to just walk off the playing field after being there for 10 straight years? It is strange, but also somewhat liberating at the same time. When I quit training racehorses, I did the same thing. Thought about it for a long time without saying or doing anything to indicate I was pondering it, then just one day put it in motion and got out. I'm not impulsive, but I'm very decisive. Unfortunately, I'm also oblivious when I do it, and that will cost me in some ways.

I know this is going to cost me a lot of good friendships, and I guess I just have to accept that. I hope it doesn't, but I'm realistic enough to know it will. Will that bother me? Sure it will. I'm not as cold as some think I am.

Should I have said something to certain people? I should have. That part I would do over, in private. On my main page? No. I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I just had to get off. Facebook, and social media in general can consume you and alter how you are at the core of your person. I am and was very close to that edge of the cliff. I am not religious, but I am very spiritual and introspective. That is my core, and I felt my core was eroding.

I did this for me, and solely myself. Is that selfish? I don't know, but if it is, then selfish was something I had to be this time, and really the last week or two. I am generally a very giving and helpful person overall, but there comes a time when you have to take care of yourself. I had a friend tell me that lately, and its true.

Transforming yourself is never a smooth process. Nor is it easy. Change might be good for you, but its not easy for you. When you are transformed, it changes how you act with others and how they perceive you, and you them. I am certainly transforming myself, because that is necessary. I will not get where I need to be if I stay on the track I am on. Was on. I am already transforming, even though it appears to be a very rocky road if the first few weeks of this year are an indication. I have to believe its the right thing to do, and just stick with it. If it turns out wrong in some ways, then I will think about how to fix those things as they come. There are already some casualties on that road, and that I probably cannot fix. I'm not Superman and I'm not God. I am just me. Flawed me. I accept that.

Being off Facebook is something I'm glad to be, but how I did it is not something I'm proud about. Again, that decisive/oblivious thing that bites me. We all have flaws, and that one has consistently been one of mine for longer than I can remember.

Hopefully that will work itself out with those that really matter, but that is only hope. If it doesn't, then I can't do much about that. I have to accept that being extremely selfish in this case to save myself from myself will result in forcing others to walk away because of it.

I'm sorry if this has hurt some people. I wish it didn't. There is a lot of water under the bridge, but possibly the bridge wont be there to come back towards a meeting back in the middle. That is the part I really don't know. I've had that sort of thing go both ways in my life, and I don't think I knew which would go south and which would go north until it finally did.

I have many "friends" on facebook. The majority will just move on, mostly forget about me, except for the odd thing that jogs their memory. As with anybody, there are a select few that really cared, that bonded in a variety of ways, be that interests or just a personal connection.

If you are one of the few people that really cared, you are reading this now and we will find a way to connect and repair the broken connection, which, again, is all on me. I did that and I cop to it.

Time will heal the situation, but it may not mend it. It might be broken past the point of repair in some instances. I am open to fixing it and taking responsibility for my part in it, if that is enough.

I wrote, edited, re wrote and updated this many times over, and I could keep doing that, but I'm just going to stop here and go with it.